Deanna - Navigating Work and Life with Sound Sensitivity
Transcript
Adeel [0:01]: Welcome to the Misophonia Podcast. This is Season 6, Episode 12. My name's Adeel Ahmad, and I have Misophonia. This week I'm talking to Deanna from Pasadena, California. Deanna is a food stylist and prop assistant in the entertainment industry in LA, and we talk a lot about misophonia and relationships, partners, roommates, friends, and coworkers. We also talk about misophonia in relation to other conditions and what she has learned from them to cope with miso, including medication. Plus, being HSP, highly sensitive person, living in a tough environment growing up, and of course, the many other experiences that are all too familiar to us. As always, let me know what you think. You can reach out by email at hellomissiphoniapodcast.com or hit me up on Instagram and Facebook at Missiphonia Podcast. By the way, please head over and leave a quick reviewer rating wherever you listen to the show. It helps us in the algorithms, which then reaches more listeners. Thanks for the incredible support ongoing from our Patreon supporters. And if you feel like contributing, you can read all about the different levels at patreon.com slash misophonia podcast. Links to all those in the show notes. All right, now here's my conversation with Deanna. Deanna, welcome to the podcast. Good to have you here.
Deanna [1:24]: Yeah, thank you for having me.
Adeel [1:26]: Awesome. So, um, yeah, I mean, for the, for the audience, uh, all I know is Deanna is Deanna said she has stories. So as, as we all do, so I'm looking forward to that, but, uh, do you want to maybe start off with just kind of telling us where, you know, where you are, what you do, just kind of basic stuff.
Deanna [1:42]: Yeah, absolutely. Um, I'm in Pasadena, California. and um i recently changed my career and i'm doing food styling and i'm doing um props which is basically anything an actor holds so they need to be suited up in police gear or shown how to use a lighter or you know given a beverage um you're kind of in charge of those items and resetting them for camera and yeah, all that. Sounds easy, but yeah.
Adeel [2:21]: Yeah. I would assume it's not, especially for continuity and things like that. So a lot of attention to detail. Cool. Okay. Interesting. Pasadena and yeah, food styling and props. So yeah. Do you want to tell us?
Deanna [2:35]: mean it sounds like uh well how's how's it work then for me it's funny i might as well start with kind of what you're doing now you know i am so immersed in what i'm doing and um it's so detail oriented and so specific that i'm only thinking about the job at hand and the next steps The only time I've had challenges are if we are in, like, it's called the gold room where we're prepping. And if I'm with a person that is causing me troubles. But as far as on set, I'm... It's not even possible to be bothered. It's just too crazy. It's crazy.
Adeel [3:19]: A lot of stuff going on, a lot of background noise. I mean, it's very spontaneous and instantaneous. Okay, yeah, that's not bad.
Deanna [3:29]: I did work in restaurants prior to this, which I find very interesting because, you know, the amount of noises that are going on inside of a restaurant are misophonia's kind of nightmare. But again, you know, there's a lot of things going on at the same time. So you're kind of immersed in that work as well. But I will say that there are a few things that would happen that would really kind of drive me crazy. And the number one thing is when someone is stirring something hot with a spoon and they just keep stirring it and it's like... that noise.
Adeel [4:10]: Yeah. It kind of goes out and then it comes back in and goes out and comes back in. Yeah.
Deanna [4:14]: And for some reason they do it for a really long time. That one actually makes me ragey. It really does.
Adeel [4:23]: Have you ever communicated that in whatever way?
Deanna [4:31]: It's more of like a walk away situation. Yeah. Yeah. The flight.
Adeel [4:35]: Yeah.
Deanna [4:36]: Absolutely. The flight. Yeah. I did communicate in a public space once with somebody, which was, I think, other than my family, was the first time that I snapped on somebody in public.
Adeel [4:56]: Was it a stranger? It was a stranger, yeah.
Deanna [4:59]: I used to live in New York City, and I was on the train. And for some reason, this woman was... Snapping this gum in a way that was like sending me And I should have just like gotten off and gotten on a different car or right whatever it was but there must have been something going on with me where I just I just Snapped and I on my way out. I remember saying to her you should really think about other people in the car when you chew your gum like that and Her response was I'm sorry Okay And I felt like the world's largest jerk. But her response was surprising. And my reaction was pretty surprising. I don't know that I've ever really approached a stranger in that way, I felt.
Adeel [5:56]: About anything?
Deanna [5:57]: Oh, no, no, no. Definitely about misophonia, no. I try to really do, as I say, do the work. I'm doing the work.
Adeel [6:07]: Tell us, what is the work? Is it just trying to check yourself or is it more than that? Is it preparing for the next moment? Well, it's hard to check ourselves in the moment. So it's really hard because in between the moments, you know, exactly.
Deanna [6:28]: The work is in between the like fight or flight, right? It's like that, like work is like before you choose to do one of those things. And sometimes like, we just don't have that bandwidth, you know?
Adeel [6:40]: Well, a lot of us don't want to, we'd rather not think about it. I mean, we'd rather not think about it. Yeah, absolutely.
Deanna [6:46]: Yeah. You're in a car with four other people and you're the only one who's getting irritated by the driver's jacket, like rubbing back and forth, you know, and you're just, I mean, I had a moment like that where, you know, I had a really crazy injury right before COVID. It forced me to go back to my home state of Massachusetts and be taken care of by a family member. You know, I was walking and I needed a lot of help. So she was doing me this great, you know, kindness of helping me and taking care of me. And what happened was not only was I trapped physically, but I was also trapped in the house. I'm an only child and I am sort of like... You know, I kind of protect my space a little bit. So here I was on the first floor and I was right next to the kitchen and it was right when COVID started. So the whole family came and lived there. So there were five of us. And I was, I was trapped in a bed and listening to like someone putting dishes away for like 10 minutes.
Adeel [8:01]: Right.
Deanna [8:02]: Right. You know, someone sniffling who sits at the kitchen table all day, sniffles. Right. And I'm just like laying in bed, like, please take it away.
Adeel [8:16]: Did you put headphones on or anything?
Deanna [8:18]: No, it started getting to a point. that was almost uncontrollable for me because it was like every day, all day, you know, I was being like triggered constantly. Um, and so by the time I like wheeled into dinner, I was like so done already. Yeah.
Adeel [8:37]: Yeah.
Deanna [8:37]: And I had found these earplugs, um, called loop and got some here somewhere, but yeah. I put those in just to sort of soften the blow at the dinner table. And that actually seemed to be really helpful. I started wearing those quite a bit. And, you know, I did tell everybody, you know, because it's like you can see that I'm wearing like, you know, turquoise blue circles popping out of my ears. But it was for everyone's good. And everyone was cool with it. And it was fine. But... Yeah, there were a lot of noises. And it was also like, you know, I'm trying to come from a place of gratitude where I'm being helped and taken care of. So I really tried to, you know, keep it down.
Adeel [9:28]: Did they know about it beforehand?
Deanna [9:32]: One of my cousins who's younger knew about it, understands it, and was very, very helpful. Like, you know, we ordered these... They're like runners that go under the door to muffle the sound. We bought these things that like you kind of put them between the plates. They're like these little felt
Adeel [9:53]: Yeah. Okay. Yeah.
Deanna [9:53]: Yeah. For me, you know? Yeah. So it was, so, you know, I felt really bad when I did have explosions because it's like, you know, everyone's sort of doing their best around this thing that is like really specific and I'm sure pretty annoying for another person, you know? Um, I think I'm in this space right now where I just moved in with my girlfriend and, um, trying to not share the things like the long list that I have yeah I think it's really me personally this is just how I feel I feel like it's really unfair to lay all of that on a person and then they expect them to navigate every day all day knowing that you're in like fight or flight maybe, or I don't know. So I sort of have told them that they can't really listen to this podcast after it comes on, but we'll see what happens.
Adeel [10:56]: Gotcha. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, yeah, you're right. It's, it's, it's a bizarre thing for someone who doesn't know it. to know what to do with. And then, yeah, you're right. It's like not only are you in fight or flight, but suddenly they're walking on eggshells, which basically, you know, two-sided eggshell walking is a weird situation. To say the least.
Deanna [11:21]: Exactly.
Adeel [11:22]: It could be resentments that build up. So it would be in Mississinonia, like I'm sure you've heard, it's got all these... secondary repercussions and secondary effects which you want to be careful about um you know provoking so you've got to be judicious um yeah yeah I think it's like it feels like choosing choosing the battles a little bit right and sort of like I just you know it's interesting
Deanna [11:54]: being with this person have such a genuine deep love for them that it's a little easier whereas other relationships i've been in have been problematic for other reasons and the misophonia is like worse which in those situations in those situations in the yeah in the former relationships where it's like it's already sort of like the stress is no no no help for misophonia right so if it's it'll just get exhausted it just gets worse with stuff you know yeah i so i'm like 40 now but i remember the first time that i felt super overwhelmed with anger and i was about 10 years old and my father was sitting at the table we were having breakfast And he poured this, like, giant bowl of cereal and proceeded to, like, put jam on top of it and then poured, like, a giant... He was, like, a runner, so he'd eat, like, giant portions of things and poured, like, you know, a half gallon of milk on top of it and just started... One of his Wheaties. Yeah, whatever it was. And I was, like... I hit the roof. I mean, I, like... I really lost it.
Adeel [13:15]: Was it like he was doing it regularly and then one day suddenly there was no change to the routine?
Deanna [13:22]: No, that's a good question. He was sort of, my parents had split up and they were sort of trying again at this age. And so it was rare that I was seated at the dinner table or the breakfast table with him. So I kind of thought, wow, I just really don't like the way my dad eats. And so I started wearing headphones at the table. I was like a walk man. But I remember feeling really like a bad person. Like I remember feeling like a real jerk. Like there was something wrong with me. Why would I get to that level of anger? Like, you know, it made me question a lot of things. And I think for a lot of people that are on this podcast and have listened to this podcast, I think a lot of people were really almost relieved when the New York Times came out with that article. And like, I think it was like, what's 2011?
Adeel [14:20]: Yeah.
Deanna [14:21]: Yeah. I think everybody I remember three people sent it to me.
Adeel [14:26]: I had Joyce Cohen on the podcast. The audio is really bad, but she was the one who recorded that. Ironically, the audio was really bad. But anyways, yeah, no, you're right. I think it clicked for a lot of people. And actually, going back to that breakfast again, I'm just very curious. You said your parents were trying again after splitting up around that time. So was there something unusual about that day? Were both your parents there? Or was it just in the middle of this chaos that there was this one morning where you were seated at the breakfast table with your dad?
Deanna [15:04]: Yeah, I think it was just a rare... Yeah. It just was rare. And, you know, my mother definitely has misophonia.
Adeel [15:14]: Mm-hmm.
Deanna [15:15]: So my mom is pretty conscientious when it comes to making sounds. So she has a sensitivity to it. So growing up as the only child in the house with somebody else who definitely struggles with sounds and anger, I think that was... I don't know. I think it was good and it was bad. It was good because there was like a softness there. And like, there was a little bit of an understanding, but it was also bad because we were totally sheltered together in this way.
Adeel [15:48]: Did you know about it before you, before you experienced it? Did you know that your mom had some kind of sensitivity?
Deanna [15:56]: Well, you know, I didn't have that language.
Adeel [16:00]: Right. Right.
Deanna [16:01]: Right. I was at that age, but you know, there were certain things that would send my mother like, to a place and i just thought my mom was like angry you know um like a chip bag right so you so that's stuff you kind of noticed from from an early age oh yeah yeah yeah okay and oddly enough her sister struggles with almost the same sound sort of figures that my mom does so all three of us when that article came out were kind of like what yeah okay yeah
Adeel [16:36]: And then, uh, gotcha. Okay.
Deanna [16:38]: My aunt does snap.
Adeel [16:40]: Yeah.
Deanna [16:41]: She snaps.
Adeel [16:42]: Like, okay. Thank you, public or whatever. She does no, does no, does no doing the work.
Deanna [16:47]: She is not, she is not doing the work. She is just like, I will, she does snap. And I'm very, like, I sort of walk on eggshells around her, you know, um, because I don't want to, I don't want to be in that situation with her, but.
Adeel [17:03]: How is that? Does she have any stories? You do the work, but have you heard of stories with her in public? Maybe, I don't know. Has it been a challenge for her at work?
Deanna [17:14]: Yeah, I think she really struggles at work.
Adeel [17:17]: It's got to be. If you're snapping all over the place, I mean.
Deanna [17:20]: Yeah. She definitely, like her husband, is obviously super aware of her.
Adeel [17:26]: So she has one. That's actually a good data point that she still has one.
Deanna [17:31]: Yeah, she has a husband. Okay. and you know he's definitely aware of her miso but does not does not give a you know it's just oh i live my life like okay and so i think interesting dynamic yeah i think that there's like some i think that's probably the root of the snapping you know um
Adeel [17:56]: But yeah. Just going back to their childhood, was there anything strange about their childhood that would have maybe something in common that may have, I don't know, something abnormal?
Deanna [18:09]: I don't know either. That side of my family is very private. They're not really into sharing that much. So I don't really know. Okay. Yeah, I don't know. I've never really... thought about it. I just kind of am like, well, if the three of us have it, it must be genetic, but I don't know.
Adeel [18:35]: I've seen it show up a lot in families. I've seen it never show up again in families. Yeah, that's a code that needs to be cracked somehow at some point.
Deanna [18:45]: Another article just came out in the Times recently, like a week ago or so.
Adeel [18:49]: Yeah, it wasn't the actual Times. It was in some newsletter affiliated with the Times. But yeah, there was something that came out. A bunch of past guests are quoted in that article or mentioned in that article. Yeah, that got shared a lot too, which is great. I mean, it's amazing for awareness. But until that first article came out, there was probably something like about a 20-year period where you, from when you... were at that kitchen table with your dad and then when you've got when you got the article was your mom during that time like was were you how was how was growing up once once it started to like proliferate for you and you didn't have that language like were you getting support were you just no i was not getting support um no i had to just sort of it really showed up in my family for me it didn't really show up with my friends that much i think
Deanna [19:51]: As a kid, I was a little more, I don't know, relaxed. I didn't have as many stresses. But as I started to become an adult, that's when all of the things that you experience as an adult, like being at a show and someone clapping in a way that's like... awful to you. I dated someone that clapped. It was like piercing.
Adeel [20:24]: Yes, yes.
Deanna [20:25]: And it's like, how can you tell someone not to clap? They're expressing their joy, but you're like, could you express it in a different way?
Adeel [20:33]: If their hand met a one millimeter in a different direction, it would be probably a lot softer. That's just what I would have been thinking.
Deanna [20:39]: Yeah, definitely. I had that thought. I really did have that thought. Yeah. Yeah.
Adeel [20:45]: Okay. And what did you say to non-family members then as you were an adult? And did you ever mention that, hey, I seem to have some kind of a sensitivity to certain sounds? Or was it just trying to work around it?
Deanna [21:04]: Well, a lot of the time since I was working in restaurants, I just kind of thought I was overstimulated. And around the age of 29, um i had a roommate and we lived in a very small apartment in brooklyn and he's um he's a teacher he's a special ed teacher so he has like extreme patience and he's a really lovely person and i felt very safe and comfortable with him and i sort of told him that you know, cause I started cooking dinner. I used to be a cook, so I love to cook. Um, so I started cooking dinner for us and, you know, certain nights and we would sit down and finally I was just like, there's nothing wrong with you. Just start. That's really not you. It's 100% me.
Adeel [21:53]: That's a good start. Yeah.
Deanna [21:56]: Yeah. Um, but I just want to tell you this thing that I struggle with. And so we started turning dinner into like record night also so we would play records at like death metal and yeah yeah just very soft yeah we would play we would play records at a pretty good level um and listen to music at the same time which kind of took my mind off the other thing which was really helpful um and he and that was a great experience um That really helps. I think eating in silence is like a bit of torture.
Adeel [22:32]: Oh yeah, absolutely.
Deanna [22:34]: Yeah.
Adeel [22:36]: Yeah, I totally agree. Everything is amplified, at least it seems like it. Okay. Yeah, no, that's a great way to approach that. Anybody else? Did you tell any other friends?
Deanna [22:51]: Yeah, I had a few best friends that I shared that with. I think things with them became a little tricky. We all had sort of like small batch either companies or products or whatever. And we kind of got together and made this space. They made the space. I kind of shuffled in there and started working with them. And so the first floor was like a large kitchen. So there was like two sides to it. So a lot of really loud noises going on the walk in rumbling almost don't bother me. Right.
Adeel [23:27]: Yeah.
Deanna [23:28]: But we decided that it was a little too noisy and we needed to move our office upstairs.
Adeel [23:33]: Yeah.
Deanna [23:34]: Yeah. Yeah. we moved upstairs to an empty room that was dead silent and yeah it was it was really problematic and we arranged our desks in like a pyramid you know we're all really close together okay yeah and i started to like hate them yeah the worst part is when they would bring their dogs in The dogs would send me, I'm like pinching, I just realized I was pinching my thumb. The dogs, one dog was really big and he had like this obsession or like tick. I don't know, it was like so annoying. He would curl his paws in, and I'm not gonna make the noise, but he would lick deeply. in his paw over and over and over and over again and my friend you know had had the dog for 10 years and just tuned it out um and she would be like tune it out and i'm like no dude i can't like i cannot tune it out i wouldn't be in this situation if i could just tune it out you know i would do anything to be able to do that amazing that that's even it did normal people uh are able to just tune stuff out the idea of tuning out and just on demand seems foreign to me but i guess some people can do that yeah so this friend in particular grew up with like a a very loud and problematic sibling and sort of took the root of like self-soothing quiet don't bother my parents and had to tune this sibling out So this friend of mine can pretty much tune anything out. We both lived in New York City and we would be together. My experience was very different than hers.
Adeel [25:40]: And your relationship now with this friend?
Deanna [25:43]: Oh, we're best friends.
Adeel [25:44]: Oh, you are? Okay, okay. So, okay, gotcha. All right.
Deanna [25:49]: We're best friends.
Adeel [25:50]: And so...
Deanna [25:52]: so so tell me about so other than uh yeah putting music on is there any other like coping mechanisms or something i mean you've mentioned a bunch like music during meals and earplugs in some situations um you know the the most interesting thing that's happened to me in the past couple months has been um i was sort of writing this list for the show and just coming up with actually a very long list of things yeah yeah please and um What happened was two months ago, I've always sort of had like a depression in my life. It's been kind of waves and I've tried antidepressants and none of them have ever worked. And this doctor put me on a mood stabilizer because I was diagnosed bipolar two at 40 and it worked within 48 hours. And I've asked her recently if it helps soften these this misophonia because you know it's not as bad as it has been always it's dialed down a little bit and i think it's partially due to this medication that i'm taking which was you know it's called a bilify it's a mood stabilizer but um you know i was writing this list and i was like this one doesn't really get me there anymore and this one is okay i will say that like a spoon like a like a spoon hitting the back of a tooth or hitting a tooth it it really does when people sound like they're eating their utensil kind of thing or it's so hard yeah yeah yeah do you have that do you struggle i'm not a fan of it uh yeah I'm not either.
Adeel [27:42]: Yeah. And, and yeah.
Deanna [27:45]: Yeah.
Adeel [27:46]: There's certain people do it and it's, it's, it's crazy. Cause it's like, well, I don't know. It's crazy. But like when somebody is doing that, it's not necessarily every bite. So you're kind of anticipating like, is this going to be the one?
Deanna [27:57]: Yes. Oh God. That is so true. That is so true. I really, yeah, you're kind of like, is it going to happen next?
Adeel [28:07]: And then your brain is trying to make ghost sounds because you're kind of guessing, anticipating. So, yeah.
Deanna [28:13]: Yeah, and you're like, and the whole time you're like, I don't want to feel this. I really don't want to be feeling this, and I don't want to let this person know that I'm feeling this. Because they're not really doing anything wrong, technically.
Adeel [28:25]: I mean, you're really not... Yeah, let's caveat it with technically.
Deanna [28:30]: Technically, not quite. Also, you should not be doing that.
Adeel [28:38]: It would be preferred. I mean, it's not necessary to do that sound.
Deanna [28:44]: So I was saying that in the beginning of this, I moved to, or I'm in Pasadena. That's kind of a recent move. Before that, I was in Silver Lake, which is like kind of a... It's kind of central LA, like near... Central LA, yeah. And... when I had looked at this apartment, it was still COVID. So, you know, it was different than when the neighborhood was in full sort of form and there was parking and the apartment was really cute. It was really quiet. And I, within like, six seven months or so the school started opening up and there was a school across the way okay yeah yes and it wasn't it's it's not like a high school it was like an elementary school it was i mean it's just screaming yeah yeah yeah yeah it's tough yeah it was well i couldn't do it yeah Um, it was, it was horrible because school ends at like what, two or three, but for some reason they're there until like five.
Adeel [29:56]: There's after school stuff. There's yeah. No, they'll always be kids there for something. Yeah.
Deanna [30:02]: They were always there. They were screaming. And then you're like, wow, I feel like a real jerk. Like these kids are just enjoying life, but I'm like, can you enjoy it differently? It's so loud. Yeah. It's tricky.
Adeel [30:18]: Yeah, it's tricky. Because, yeah, during the day, every class has a different recess, and they've just been stuck inside for hours. And so they're going to let out, you know. To them, it's just like, I'm outside for a few minutes, so I'm going to scream. To you, it's like, well, you're getting a revolving door with every class coming through, so it seems constant.
Deanna [30:39]: You're inside my apartment.
Adeel [30:40]: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Deanna [30:42]: That's what it felt like, yeah. So moving to Pasadena has been really helpful because it's so much quieter. And I just feel like there's like a peace that's entered, which was a little overdue. And it feels a lot better. I was wearing earplugs inside my house, you know. Yeah.
Adeel [31:12]: Yeah. yeah but i lived alone so it wasn't like there was someone in there that was it was the children the children were just just so yeah um and then on top of um on top of sound sometimes do you also get that like that the visuals the music kinesia kind of kind of stuff um that's movement yeah well yeah well the visual feels like It could be movement. It could be seeing somebody chewing or eating or something like that. I do.
Deanna [31:46]: And I wish that I didn't. Honestly, I've thought many times because it feels like two different things. And I'm like, if I could just have one of them, it would be so much easier. And this sort of seems like it's a little bit newer to me, is having these movement triggers.
Adeel [32:07]: Yeah, it tends to come a bit later, or at least it's noticed later. Yeah, that's pretty common.
Deanna [32:13]: And it's just kind of like, I wish... It's a little bit overboard. I have that, like, I had a friend who... Constantly like when we're just hanging out like constantly is doing this. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah like it's People can't really see me. So it's like a repetitive scalp scratch Where you just almost want to grab the person by the wrist and it's really crazy But yeah, I've had I actually wrote some of these down yeah, yeah, please I yeah the movement there's like um leg moving yeah yeah i've heard of that one very very tricky um this is really i don't know anytime someone is like rubbing their body or their skin in like a soft way um i this one is almost at the top for me really okay yeah it's like if someone were like softly rubbing their like chin over and over and over right like rubbing their lips or like lower my hand down but yeah yeah very tough for me and did that come later as well and it just kind of leapfrogged over yeah this is like newer stuff this is totally newer stuff that is not welcome but is on the plate now yeah Um, it seems to be like, like I said, it's just like a little bit overkill at this point.
Adeel [33:53]: When you notice that happening, is it just, you just happen to notice and there doesn't seem to be a correlation to anything or is it like somebody in your life happens to be someone who does it a lot and then suddenly you've, um, you projected it onto everybody?
Deanna [34:10]: Um, well it's hard to answer it is a certain person for sure um and it yeah it's very very hard for me and i it i have been in situations where i've been in a small space with someone and i start to for a long like when when i work i work for 12 14 hours a day so you're really getting to know the people that you're with in a way. And you're in a very small space. And I notice everything. I don't know if that's part of this misophonia thing, but I noticed things that like a lot of people, I don't think notice like ticks that someone has or repetitive movements or
Adeel [35:06]: emotional state too like empathic kind of things too or is it all physical kind of stuff i'm pretty sensitive i think i can kind of pick up some stuff because if you've heard a bunch of episodes you've heard maybe the concept of the hsp the highly sensitive person that's can pick up stuff or just kind of feels things a lot more deeply than the rest of the population.
Deanna [35:29]: Yeah, I mean, I honestly have not done any investigating in that. I do know someone who says that they're a highly sensitive person, a comedian friend of mine. And I just, I don't really know. I kind of feel like I probably would fit into that category. I just feel like I would love to just not add one more. One more thing to like the cornucopia that I'm working with, but it's probably very possible. But yeah, sometimes working in a small space with people all day when you're having three meals with them, you know, you're having a break with them, you're working with them, you're... it's it's too much you know it can be really too much and a lot of times like i just kind of want to take my lunch by myself but it's kind of frowned upon it makes you look like you're not part of the team or like you're not trying or like You know, and a lot of my work is like who your personality to like you were going to be around each other for a long time. So kind of get to pick the people you hang out with. And if you're a person who's like, I'm going to take this hour and be by myself. Oddly enough, it's like it's like you're not being you're not playing well, not playing nicely. So it's it's a lot. It's a lot. It's a tall order to be spending that much time with someone.
Adeel [37:04]: Did you, so knowing that you have, you know, knowing that you have, is this, I mean, obviously you love food. It's like, would another career, you know, was that ever another option? Or is it just that you, I mean, I mean, it's great that you love this career, but it's just interesting that, you know, when... food or eating kind of related stuff could be an issue that you would have chosen this uh but like you said you know restaurants can be a lot of stuff going on so maybe maybe you made that calculation i'm just curious was misophonia a consideration at any point no
Deanna [37:46]: Because I can feel it on a plane, on a train, in my house, at the grocery store, at the doctor's office, with the doctor. If I were to make choices based on this, I would be alone. So I can't really factor that in. a lot of people probably feel that way you know you kind of have to just you kind of have to put it in the passenger seat all day right right i mean it's kind of a backseat driver where it's always yelling at you but it's yeah but it won't go away yeah i've had i mean i've had experiences Where I imagine what it would be like to be in this movie. Say you're sitting and watching a movie with a friend in a movie theater. And they're just focused on the movie and what's going on. The dialogue, the plot, all of the things. And for some reason, I'm fucking fixated on this woman's... Every move with her popcorn and the fabric that her jacket is making this noise. And it's like... It's so sad sometimes, you know, that like you can be taken out of things that you really want to be enjoying. It can be really sad. I feel that like during those sort of like episodes, like, you know, because I know the person that's with me does not hear that. It's not paying attention to that. And just like my friend was saying, you know, tune it out. It's like, where's the pill? You know, like, what is it? What is it? I don't know what it is, but I do think that like with age, there are some things that add to the list. But I also think for me, with age, I've learned myself a lot. I've learned who I am on a deeper level. and i do have tricks that help you know and i just don't want to be the person who lashes out or snaps or says the wrong thing because i didn't know how to harness my emotions and i think that like the last five years of my life i've done a lot of work um with harnessing my emotions and looking at them and learning what will make me feel better and doing it. And I think with anything in life, it requires your attention and your care if you want it to turn out well. And so with me, I'm like, well, this is one of those things where I have to put the work in and I have to like... know do a meditation or you know there's this breath work thing that i do it's only 10 minutes but if i find myself in a place where i'm just like so triggered and so annoyed yeah i'll take that time and quiet quiet myself down um and it really helps um it really it really does help But tomorrow's a new day. But I do think that it does require action on our part.
Adeel [41:22]: Yeah, it requires some self-awareness knowing some of the factors like stress or sleep or all these other things. And if you're... you can definitely make things worse for yourself by not taking care of those factors and so whatever we can do i think to kind of like give us the best chance of not hitting the peak or at least coming faster i think is helpful right so how did how did you get to some of the uh i don't know like these tricks that you say you found or was it just kind of like just thinking on your own did you read a book did you talk to people um
Deanna [42:03]: well i've had the same therapist for about five years and she's very like on the holistic sort of end of things yeah and she has gotten me really into meditation you know, I'm not saying I'm very good at it, but I do have ones that work well for me. I'm not like trying to sit in a room for three hours in dead silence, but I'm more like put the headphones on and like guide me somewhere for about 15 minutes. And it works. Like I said, breath work really works for me, but I don't know. I came from a pretty non, I came from a really like intense household um yeah yeah and family that um i mean i had there was a lot of things that i saw and experienced that i probably shouldn't have as a kid so that led me to having to work on myself quite a bit in order to be like not as feral as maybe i could be. So I think, you know, that was sort of the thing that has kicked it off for many arenas in my life, you know, not just misophonia, but just trying to overall be a person who slides into society and can kind of make it through the day. And yeah, that's books, that's therapy, that's meditation, that's, you know, not drinking. I feel like if you drink on a regular basis, it kind of spikes your anxiety.
Adeel [43:40]: Yeah, made the same decisions to kind of like, yeah, made same observations. And it's like, yeah, it's you're again, you're putting yourself at a higher probability of peak that you don't want to get to. So why? Yeah.
Deanna [43:56]: Exactly. And I feel like, you know, the having that night is really fun, because I don't know when I'm like having drinks or whatever, I'm actually not thinking about your noises, or I'm, I'm like, it's easier. And it's not even it's almost like it's not even there with me. But that next day, if you do have a hangover, which I don't know, at my age now, it really doesn't take much. that anxiety does not help. So it's almost like double the next day, which was it worth it? You know?
Adeel [44:31]: Right. Right.
Deanna [44:33]: Yeah.
Adeel [44:36]: No, very, very true. yeah that's that's that's yeah that's a good realization um and you're um going back to you well you are your your parents still with us like do they know about or does your dad know about the misophonia or no i i've never told him about it um because i don't know that he would be be like i don't know no yeah yeah okay
Deanna [45:07]: my mom definitely but yeah you know has it yeah yeah yeah and makes people uncomfortable because she does not know how to harness her emotions she doesn't okay okay no no not at all she's not doing the breath work and no she is not doing any of the work i'll tell you that right now
Adeel [45:27]: no boy okay um yeah that's it's interesting because i mean i yeah i mean it's it's just even probably even more foreign to people who are about older generation because i mean yeah you think we you know are just coming to terms with mental health stuff i mean there was well there was very little it was just like you insane asylums and you know that's the that's the era that they grew up yeah totally yeah lithium and sanitariums so yeah So you mentioned you had some comorbid conditions. Do you feel like they're more kind of... under control and and you're like your your doctors and therapists are more familiar with those and misophonia is this one thing that's kind of hanging out there or what what are you specifically what are what uh well let me start with a simpler question so you're um i mean it sounds like your doctors and therapists are familiar with like your um like things like bipolar and whatnot were they at all familiar with misophonia before you went in there like were they able to help with that?
Deanna [46:39]: You know, I rarely tell anybody I have this because there's nothing that they can really do for me unless you're my partner and we're sharing a kitchen table or a car. You know, I don't tell I don't tell many people at all. I don't I don't think that it's understood enough. Um, and it's not that I have shame around it. I really don't. I just, I don't want people to know that like they bothered me essentially. Um, and with therapy, like it's honestly, I had some bigger fish to fry then.
Adeel [47:23]: Right. So I was going to say, I think that's kind of curious about like, I mean, you come in on this podcast, so obviously it's a big part of your, it's a big part of your life. I'm just curious kind of how, um, I don't know if it's a fair question, but how does it fit in with some of the other stuff going on in your life? And is it taken seriously by your doctors and therapists? It sounds like you don't even really bring it up because you have- I don't really bring it up.
Deanna [47:45]: I really don't. I think that I've had to do a lot of work on myself, which was being- more open and more understanding and more patient in general and with that i've just sort of like dragged that in on my own and applied the things that i do to make myself feel better i apply that those things to this as well i really gotcha okay so you the lessons you brought lessons you're
Adeel [48:19]: you're bringing from other your maybe you're using us some of the other some of the other work you're doing on yourself to heal from whatever you know whatever you're dealing with you're kind of like applying some of that from misophonia or whatever whatever works yeah yeah yeah yeah i mean it's all helpful so yeah i i totally agree with everything you're doing is is helpful less drinking more breathing and more quiet meditation yeah to kind of give you give yourself the best your best foot forward in the day at least the current day yeah um very cool uh do you have anything else other more on that list that you that you wanted to that you want to share was it a list of triggers or was it i want to say this because i feel like a lot of people are going to be like yes
Deanna [49:03]: But I don't know. Recently, they've come out with those new plastic bottles that are less plastic.
Adeel [49:09]: Okay, okay.
Deanna [49:10]: And they're really thin. And they're very easily like... Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm like, I get it with the less plastic, but my God, those things put me, those will take me over the edge if someone starts playing with that. I will ask them to stop. Or a pen clicking, I'll ask you to stop doing that. In a nice way. I try. There are times when I'm not that nice. But yeah, clicking a pen, sniffling, throat clearing, thin plastic bottle crushing. Spoon stirring in a mug. Loud clapping. The throat clearing is real. Certain gum chewing. Certain gum chewing I can be okay with.
Adeel [49:57]: I mean, it can be done quietly. Sometimes you don't necessarily need to know.
Deanna [50:01]: Right.
Adeel [50:02]: You don't need to broadcast that you're chewing gum.
Deanna [50:06]: Yeah. My girlfriend just quit smoking a nicotine vape and is now on nicotine gum.
Adeel [50:12]: Yeah, Nicorette.
Deanna [50:15]: I'm convincing myself that I like the sound of the gum because I think I will have to move on top of the roof or something. I'm trying to just convince myself that it's fine.
Adeel [50:31]: I'm curious how that goes.
Deanna [50:33]: Yeah, we'll see. Apparently it's a four-month process and we're about two months in.
Adeel [50:40]: Okay, so she... I mean, sometimes that's helpful to know that, hey, it's going to end. So, you know, it sucks for now. It's better for your best friend's health, I guess. And then, yeah, it'll be over in a couple months. Sometimes that's... It's better than assuming that this is going to be a lifelong sentence.
Deanna [51:01]: Yeah, I don't think I would, I don't know what I would do if it were life. That's a little too tricky for me. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah.
Adeel [51:10]: Interesting. Okay, okay. Well, we're getting, yeah, we're getting, I guess, yeah, we're getting close to an hour now. Is there, I mean, is there anything else on that list or any other kind of like things that have come up? I mean, now that you're... Yeah, I mean, I guess you're even past dinner for a bit. I mean, so you're in the food industry and like, you know, COVID starting to kind of like, you know, level out a bit. Do you have any, I don't know, do you have any plans going forward? I mean, moving to other, are you sticking at your current restaurant or whatever? Or are you planning to, I don't know, do you have any plans for the future basically is what I'm saying now that you've done some work and can maybe, I don't know, or you're kind of happy where you are? You're away from that school.
Deanna [51:56]: I agree. i'm pretty good where i am for now i put a lot of money energy time and care into getting into this field that i'm in and i'm gonna make it work for as long as it feels good yeah i don't think that i'm subscribing to anything forever but um for right now it's okay you know it's good
Adeel [52:24]: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Deanna [52:25]: But yeah, I think for sure there's something probably in the future for me that's a little bit different. I definitely fantasize of having, you know, a very quiet office by myself doing what I don't know.
Adeel [52:37]: Right, right, right, right, right.
Deanna [52:39]: Whatever that office does, it's just me in there.
Adeel [52:43]: Are there any other therapies or like, I don't think, it sounds like you've tried a bunch of work. Is there anything that you're curious about that you want to...
Deanna [52:52]: maybe try not that there's a lot for misophonia i mean there's no cure but cbt therapy or cbt like cognitive behavioral therapy or anything else that you've you know i've seen that that that helps i just like i i can't imagine that that would help talking about it like yeah yeah i don't know i think i'm more action based like i must do something that's gonna um I don't know, give me a result. Not that talking doesn't, obviously it's very powerful, but I don't know. I think I need something that's like a little bit stronger than that. You know, where I need to like step out of my mind and body for a little while or listen to music on headphones or, you know, start a cooking project. Cooking is very, very, very meditative for me.
Adeel [53:52]: Oh, okay. Yeah, yeah. It's kind of like coding for me, maybe. Yeah, okay. So when you're cooking, are you kind of like...
Deanna [53:58]: zoned out a little bit i mean it must be kind of nice to get that crackle if you've got stuff on the stove or or something yeah yeah no it's very meditative it's very calming it makes me feel like you know it's a bit of a hobby you know i think it's really important to have you know purposes and i feel like that's a little bit of a purpose for me and i am very immersed myself in it to a point where i can tune i actually can't tune things out
Adeel [54:26]: Oh, you can when you're cooking. Yeah, yeah.
Deanna [54:28]: Yeah, I can see that.
Adeel [54:30]: But that's interesting because sometimes when, you know, if you're focused on something that you're really interested in, a sound that can knock you out can be kind of extra annoying because it's kind of knocked you out. But it seems like for you, you're able to kind of just tune things out because you're so immersed in it.
Deanna [54:51]: Well, the good thing about cooking and when you're in control is you're the one that's doing all the noises. I'm the one who's creating all the noises, which I don't know about you, but I rarely get annoyed by myself. Most people don't. Right. I think there's a lot of... I think that's really interesting. I think it's like I'm putting myself in a position of control. Um, because if someone else is cooking in a way and they're stirring something in a really irritating way, then I'm like pissed, you know, and I don't, I would rather not be pissed. So I think being the, the cooker and control is helpful.
Adeel [55:34]: Yeah. I would rather not be pissed. Maybe, maybe that's a good, uh, closing kind of, uh,
Deanna [55:40]: I'd rather not be pissed.
Adeel [55:42]: Um, yeah. Well, yeah. I mean, anything, I guess, yeah. Anything, any final thoughts or, um, advice you want to, you want to share with people? This is super, uh, yeah. I mean, it's super helpful already.
Deanna [55:54]: I think, uh, I'm going to go meditate a bit before I go to bed, but, um, yeah, I think, um, the most helpful thing for me has been. if you can find it on like insight timer, there's like a little app you can download.
Adeel [56:09]: Yeah.
Deanna [56:10]: Yeah. There's really quick breath work, 10 minute breath.
Adeel [56:13]: I was going to ask you what, which app did you, do you use it? A headspace, whatever, but it's inside timer.
Deanna [56:19]: Inside timer. I mean, I'll even give you like the person, I think it's really helpful. Her name is Julia and her last name is for doll. It's F O D A H L. and there's a few meditations that she offers one of them is for calm and anxiety okay okay and it's breath work and it's about 12 minutes and it's incredible very very helpful it just it just like dials your heart down it dials everything down and gets you to a really good place it's you can do it on your lunch break you can do it you know it's like e is approachable is it like a disney republic
Adeel [57:00]: breathing out longer than you breathe in. This is what a lot of these are about. Okay.
Deanna [57:04]: Yeah. You work up to that. And then exactly. It's very, very helpful.
Adeel [57:09]: No, I've, I've heard that from many. Yeah. Related kind of therapist. So yeah, I'll put it up. I put a link, link to that in the show notes. That's super helpful.
Deanna [57:19]: Yeah. It's a good one.
Adeel [57:21]: Cool. Okay. Well, yeah. Yeah. Thanks. Thanks again for, for, for challenges. Yeah. Super. Yeah. Super helpful. I think I know it's going to. help a lot of people who can relate and yeah, good luck with everything.
Deanna [57:35]: Okay, cool. Thanks for having me.
Adeel [57:37]: Thank you so much, Deanna. If you liked this episode, don't forget to leave a quick review or just hit the five stars wherever you listen to this show. You can hit me up by email at hellofamissiphoniapodcast.com or go to the website at missiphoniapodcast.com. It's even easier to send a message on Instagram at missiphoniapodcast. Follow us there or Facebook at missiphoniapodcast. And on Twitter, we're actually at missiphoniashow. Support the show by visiting Patreon at patreon.com slash missiphoniapodcast. Theme music, as always, is by Moby. And until next week, wishing you peace and quiet.
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