Joannie - Navigating Family Life with Misophonia
Transcript
Adeel [0:01]: Welcome to the Misophonia Podcast. This is Season 5, Episode 21. My name's Adeel Ahmad, and I have Misophonia. This week, I'm talking to Joni, who hails from the state of Minnesota, where I also live. She's in her mid-50s and wanted to come on in part to talk about the role she thinks hormones have played throughout her life in relation to her Misophonia. We go back to her relatively normal and happy childhood and find out how misophonia may have developed there, how she dealt with being a single mother with misophonia, and how it affected her relationship with her kids, and also some experiences with substance abuse and rehab. We also discuss what it's like to live kind of between two generations, the boomers and Generation X, and how attitudes toward mental health are different. There's a lot packed into this hour. I want to give a shout out to two new sponsors on Patreon. Julie and Jennifer, thank you so much for your contributions to the show. It really means a lot and it's actually going to help get these transcripts that I keep talking about done accurately and will benefit a lot of people, I think. If you feel like helping, you can go to patreon.com slash misophonia podcast to find out how to become a patron and and learn about all the various levels and swag that i'm giving away if you're interested in that and also an even easier and cheaper way and to help is just to share the podcast on social media or leave a quick review wherever you listen to the show all right now here's my conversation with joni joni i want to welcome you to the podcast thanks and what kind of uh well first yeah what kind of work do you do i work for a local um broadcast media Oh, okay.
Joannie [1:57]: A TV station. I work for a TV station. I schedule commercials.
Adeel [2:02]: Okay, yeah. Well, that's what keeps it going. Kind of roughly whereabouts in the world are you in the country, maybe?
Joannie [2:10]: I am in southeast Minnesota, western Wisconsin, but I'm originally from the state of Kentucky on the Kentucky-Ohio border in Cincinnati.
Adeel [2:22]: Oh, okay. So interesting. Yeah, because I'm just up in St. Paul, as you probably know from listening to episodes. Okay, wow.
Joannie [2:29]: Yeah, I'm in Houston County.
Adeel [2:30]: Houston, Winona County. Okay, okay. Yeah, I know Winona. I'm only a few years in Minnesota, so some of these names sound familiar, but very cool. Yeah, no, my in-laws are in kind of southwest, so around further southwest than Mankato. So I'm often down somewhere in southern Minnesota.
Joannie [2:49]: It is beautiful, beautiful. I never thought I'd find any place more beautiful than my home state of Kentucky, but it's beautiful here.
Adeel [2:56]: yeah and yeah out there everything's kind of wide apart so it's uh um easy to find a quiet spot i think is that is that true like how is your um kind of your surroundings um right now my surroundings are uh my husband and i purchased a um an old farmhouse that came along with six and a half acres nice
Joannie [3:20]: um it is it's beautiful we are so fortunate we literally physically moved in the weekend that wisconsin went on lockdown oh um and i we moved in and i moved in with all my stuff from work and this is where i'm at yeah yeah okay cool um and so you've been uh okay yes was that an abrupt change from wherever you were before I was living fairly rural. I think maybe I need to give just a little structure here because we could wind up bouncing around. I grew up in the state of Kentucky. I moved here when I was 17 years old. lived in an urban area, not urban, but, you know, city. Until I was in my, I would say, mid-40s, mid to late 40s, I met my second husband, and he is a farm boy. So when I moved in with him, I moved into, on a farm with pigs and lots of corn.
Adeel [4:31]: Yeah, yeah.
Joannie [4:31]: And... Yeah, total. You never would have thought I would have wound up here.
Adeel [4:36]: Gotcha. Okay. Okay. And it was misophonia ever any part of any of these kind of decisions to maybe get more or just kind of gravitate towards a rural environment?
Joannie [4:48]: No, no, I truly was just following my husband. You know, that was his lifestyle. And that was the... That was how I wound up there. It's just, you know, I turned into, I don't want to say a farm wife, but I definitely live a lot more secluded than I ever dreamed I would.
Adeel [5:08]: Gotcha. Okay. Okay. And you're pretty comfortable here, I guess. It seems like it.
Joannie [5:14]: Yes. Yes. It wound up giving me something I never really knew I needed. You know, so it's been a beautiful change.
Adeel [5:23]: Yeah, that's excellent. um well then yeah maybe going back like a long ways um uh when did you you know when you started noticing that you were you know having all these sensitivities i would say it was probably um pre-teen yeah um i would say probably around seven eight
Joannie [5:49]: eight-ish, nine-ish around there. And it was a horrible reaction to my father's story. I can't even tell you how traumatic it was. I've only come to realize just how traumatic it was now that I've started to really understand what it is that's going on with me, which did not come to me until I would say the last two to three years.
Adeel [6:18]: yeah yeah and so was it um so obviously um he can just start snoring overnight now was it like he's always he was always snoring and then there was like a day or two or or where you just start to really notice it or maybe you guys were camping or something in some confined space
Joannie [6:38]: no we lived in a um we lived in a much smaller house we were very steady you know like you my husband is astounded by how close the houses are where i grew up you know i mean it's nothing like what we live now um and you know i don't ever recall it being an issue but as i started you know now as i'm looking back you know going into prepubescence i just started becoming very sensitive to it you know i think it was a gradual it was a gradual thing gotcha um but it brought about such intense just such an intense reaction for me what did you how did you react did you wake him up did you scream well you know you didn't you you just didn't make waves in my house um you just didn't do it and it was they didn't understand i didn't have the words for it all i knew is that i hated it and i hated him for making me listen to it yeah you know and as a child that was just overwhelming to me I was raised fairly ethnic. I'm Italian. My dad was... My grandfather came from Italy in the late 1900s. And... my i was raised fairly ethnic i gotta tell you it was it was a factor in our life um as far as how my dad was and the structure of our family and it's nothing like you know the world is now um you were raised pretty uh you want to describe kind of what you mean by you were raised in fairly ethnic back then yeah being an italian was
Adeel [8:33]: part of our identity.
Joannie [8:36]: Yeah, that was part of our identity. I can honestly say, although I'm not comparing it to anyone because I don't believe in anyone's worse off than anyone else, But when you talk about discrimination and the struggles of that, I'm thinking my dad could have shared a few stories, actually more than a few. And it was a factor for me.
Adeel [9:03]: Gotcha. Yeah.
Joannie [9:05]: And at a young age, at a young age, as I'm coming up, this is one of the reasons why I volunteered to do an interview because I've yet to hear someone of my generation share share what this condition has been for them and and and how effective i had no idea anyone else felt this way
Adeel [9:33]: Yeah, it was, I mean, I've had very few people, but I'm trying to get more. I actually spoke to somebody who's 87 years old last week. So that'll come out sometime in the next few months.
Joannie [9:43]: Yeah, but I'm like, I'm 55. I'm 55. And I grew up, you know, where your parents, they loved me very much. But, you know, they just really, am I allowed to swear?
Adeel [9:52]: Of course, yeah, yeah.
Joannie [9:54]: Yeah, they really didn't give a shit if you were crying. You sucked it up.
Adeel [9:57]: Yeah, yeah.
Joannie [9:58]: You know, I mean, it just wasn't...
Adeel [10:01]: Before the 90s, pretty much. Like, yeah, you... Yeah, yeah, no. Yeah. Interesting. Okay, yeah. So you sucked it up. So it was pretty much, yeah, I'm assuming, just kind of bottling it up.
Joannie [10:13]: Oh, yeah, and I shared a room with my parents.
Adeel [10:16]: Oh, okay. So now I shared a room with my parents for a period of time.
Joannie [10:21]: Um, we had moved my, my aging grandfather in and until a room was, although it didn't matter. My dad snored so loud. There was literally no place in the house.
Adeel [10:32]: Okay. Yeah.
Joannie [10:34]: Um, but I would sleep. You ever been to a firing range, you know, like shooting, um, yeah yeah i've not been to one but i can imagine uh okay think about the um like the earphones the the ear protection that you wear for that i would have ear plugs in and those yeah on my head and i would sleep that way and i would just cry because i couldn't sleep and it was so traumatizing to me and there was no escape from it
Adeel [11:10]: And you would still hear it through that. I mean, you could.
Joannie [11:13]: Oh, yeah. Exhaustion. I would fall asleep in exhaustion.
Adeel [11:17]: Wow. And just to clarify, you're sleeping with earplugs, with earmuffs, you're crying. And this is kind of a time in history where still your ass is sucking up.
Joannie [11:30]: Yeah.
Adeel [11:31]: There isn't any right. You know, no alarm bells go off or anything for people. It's just like, OK, this is a quirk. And, you know, this is a quirk.
Joannie [11:40]: Yeah. Yeah.
Adeel [11:42]: Yeah. Quirk. Did it start to cause any resentment then? You know, you're obviously torn. You're a young girl who loves your parents. Big time.
Joannie [11:49]: I hated my dad for it. Hated him. Hated him. Could not. And then was so terrified that I hated him. Like, why was I feeling that way and how guilty I felt?
Adeel [12:04]: Yes. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So a lot of tears and tears must have not just been from the triggers, maybe a little bit from that, from being torn about that. I mean.
Joannie [12:16]: Oh, oh, yeah. Yeah.
Adeel [12:21]: Did it start to then proliferate to other sounds, other people around you as well?
Joannie [12:28]: Um, no, it's very noise specific.
Adeel [12:33]: Okay.
Joannie [12:33]: And, and I will tell you that I've not had the same level throughout my life.
Adeel [12:39]: Okay.
Joannie [12:41]: Um, and I have come to believe that for me, I, you know, for me is very much affected by hormones.
Adeel [12:54]: Yeah, interesting. I haven't had anyone talk about that, but that'd be interesting. You want to maybe elaborate a little bit about how you came to that?
Joannie [13:02]: Heading into puberty was my absolute worst. Yeah. Just my absolute worst. I would say going into my 20s, more Not as life disrupting, more quirks.
Adeel [13:28]: Yeah.
Joannie [13:28]: You know, more of like a quirk. But like mouth eating, I feel so bad for my children. Drove me crazy. Little children can't help but eat with their, you know, they can't help it.
Adeel [13:42]: Right.
Joannie [13:42]: And it would make me wild.
Adeel [13:46]: Okay.
Joannie [13:46]: And all this time, I'm not questioning anything. I'm like, okay, this is just how I am. You know, everyone's annoyed like this.
Adeel [13:54]: Yeah, yeah. That's how a lot of us feel, but then I'm sure there are moments when you're like, oh, this is really weird.
Joannie [14:03]: Yeah, yeah.
Adeel [14:06]: And then speaking of guilt, I mean, with your children and you're being triggered, I mean, it's one thing if it's your dad, but then you're looking up to your dad, but now you have children looking up to you. I mean, I know a lot of us parents kind of check ourselves extra to try to make sure that we're not triggered or we're not kind of setting an example. How did you... I mean, I know it's not easy, but how did you... How did I deal with it?
Joannie [14:33]: Honestly, I did not deal with it well. I did not deal with it well. I did the best I could. I did the best I could. But it would make me wind up leaving the room.
Adeel [14:49]: Yeah.
Joannie [14:49]: Sometimes, you know, I'd have them, I'd have them in their high chairs or whatever, you know, but I would, I would have to, it made me absent. I think that's the best way of putting it. It made me absent.
Adeel [15:03]: Gotcha. Gotcha. Okay. Okay. Did that continue? Did your, your kids, you said your, this one kind of went in waves as your kids got a little bit older, did that start to kind of subside a little bit?
Joannie [15:19]: Um... You know, I'm gonna... I'm gonna say no, because where my levels have been at... Mm-hmm. How do I want to phrase this? You know, life has a certain amount of distractions.
Adeel [15:41]: Yep.
Joannie [15:43]: And... when i am really under the gun which i was a single mom um i did not get child support i you know i worked two sometimes three jobs you know and with a lot of the just you know chaos of life i didn't have time you know i didn't have time i was off doing whatever i just i my brain could not like chime in and quite frankly if there was something annoying me uh i just got away from it you know yeah but once you once you slow down then you know it's it's just so much more apparent You know, life kind of took us, you know, where my daughter's going to play softball and my son's gaming and we're not eating together. It didn't come up. But not by my doing anything. Does that make sense?
Adeel [17:00]: yeah i mean it was just um well yeah i mean life took you yeah life took all of you to you know through whatever interests or whatever whatever you had going on and just kind of naturally you were not around each other for the periods where you probably could be the most triggered yeah yeah yeah we weren't having meals together it just didn't come up right right so it really So the circumstance, you didn't create this magical environment where you weren't being triggered.
Joannie [17:32]: Yes, it wasn't by me having to control anything.
Adeel [17:34]: If your son wasn't into gaming and your daughter wasn't into softball, if they were all into just eating together, it would have been a disaster probably.
Joannie [17:42]: It would have been really, really, really stressful.
Adeel [17:45]: Yeah, yeah.
Joannie [17:46]: It would have been really stressful.
Adeel [17:49]: adds to, I mean, adding to whatever, you had overwhelming stress already, I'm sure. Stress is a big exacerbator. So yeah, on top of the hormones, I mean, stress that we all feel at different points at different levels makes this worse. Did you ever, I know you said you only found out a couple of years ago that it had a name, but were you ever thinking about... Maybe I should see some professional for my quirks. No. You probably didn't even have time.
Joannie [18:18]: No. It's just, I never would have... Think about the generation that I grew up in. Very much affects how I think, too. Yeah. Because I gotta tell you, even talking to you, I'm being... There is still half in my head of, you're batshit crazy. You know? Yeah. Yeah. But that being said, that being said, I, oh, how do I want to put this? As I have started to age and what goes on with a woman's body when she ages, it just, I had no idea. Mad respect for any woman who's made it past this because it's significant. But that is what has really heightened this condition for me now and the way that I realized it and what really brought it to my attention more you know more of me just going okay whatever you know was we were living in a rented brand new like a prefab home you know kind of like a glorified double wide you know that was in a rural setting and we moved in And it was rather cheaply made. Within a year, the floorboards would squeak. And the more I became aware of it, the more torturous it became. And this was literally, if you picture a double-wide, it was... Any place that there was hard flooring, non-carpeted, which was in essence like the entire half of the home. So any place I would do laundry or in the kitchen or, I mean, literally in the bathroom, every place that you live. And there was almost not a space that you can walk or there was not some level of of speaking and and that that is what drove me to start finding out what started reading that this has a word you know that other people are like this and this is what's going on i literally you know i've been listening to you for but well i would say probably oh i don't know at least a year and a half if not two years And I have yet to hear anyone have this type of, I don't want to say experience with it, but yeah, I kind of feel, I don't know. I don't know. I feel like it's not unique, but.
Adeel [21:31]: Yeah. So the experience, you're talking about like, you know, you're in your kind of age cohort and demographic, like the kind of hormones you're feeling now.
Joannie [21:41]: um well like i said in the very beginning of this i am me personally i am convinced that that it has something there is something some effect has an effect there yeah going on um and and i think from everything that i've read know it is more prevalent going into puberty yep um and and i and i think that there are things that substantiate what i suspect is that at least for me it's very much been a factor um because heading into menopause and i mean honestly you know i was telling you about the squeaking floors my husband if he would walk across it was nothing to him right it wouldn't even be like on his radar he wouldn't even notice it me i felt every single squeak i would try to explain to him because he thought i he thought i was just losing my i mean he thought i was just completely but it was torture right it was just torture and it's and But once I started reading, once I, you know, sat down with Google and I'm like, okay, do I call a psychologist or, you know, what do I do? And I start typing in, why do I hate the sound? And then I started realizing, oh my God, there's so many other people.
Adeel [23:22]: Yep.
Joannie [23:23]: This is, I had no idea. I had no clue.
Adeel [23:28]: Because you just didn't talk about it. No, exactly. And like you experienced, most of us, and a lot of people still don't know that they have it. They think it's a quirk or just something that everybody is annoyed by. And they just happen to be a little bit more sensitive. But it's more than that. It's the fight or flight sensation.
Joannie [23:49]: It's completely uncontrollable.
Adeel [23:52]: Right.
Joannie [23:53]: Yeah.
Adeel [23:53]: We barely control it, but it's a struggle.
Joannie [23:58]: I can control it, but there's a price to be paid.
Adeel [24:01]: Yes, yes, that's what I mean, right.
Joannie [24:03]: Yeah, yeah.
Adeel [24:05]: Was that your husband, your current husband, or your ex-husband?
Joannie [24:08]: My current husband. He is my current husband. Excuse me, he's my second husband. I've been married twice.
Adeel [24:14]: Right, I should say.
Joannie [24:15]: Yeah, I've been married twice. My husband and I have been married for about nine and a half years. We've been together for about 15, 16. Um, so he, you know, he always knew that I had my quirks, you know, cause you know, I didn't care for his snoring that much. Um, and as he started to get worse, the more I couldn't, you know, and life had slowed down enough for me that it just, it was there. So I would go and I would sleep on the couch or something and he would come out and he would find like the clock. I put it in the refrigerator. Because I couldn't stand the ticking. Yeah.
Adeel [24:59]: I've smothered clocks under winter jackets and whatnot before, too.
Joannie [25:04]: Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. So, you know, he, you know, he rolled with it, whatever, you know, so we get a continuous motion clock.
Adeel [25:15]: Mm hmm.
Joannie [25:16]: You know, that has been that example is kind of how I have dealt with this all of my life. Right. other than the times that I couldn't, you know, when I was eight years old and sleeping in the same room with my parents and you couldn't get away from it.
Adeel [25:33]: Yeah, yeah. So you obviously ended up marrying, you know, at least the second time, another snorer. So you were just at this point, at that point, just used to kind of like working around these issues. It's not like you had a list of things that were showstoppers.
Joannie [25:52]: um you know i always knew i mean i always knew it was something that i was never going to be able to tell right um but well you know up until my husband uh it was my choice whether or not they slept over so i i could deal with it or not deal with it um when and honestly with my husband it started out like in our relationship well we didn't live together for six years so again i could pick and choose yeah um and he wasn't he wasn't snoring every night which i think is kind of common as you age um i know it has been for me and interestingly enough i snore probably worse than him and he i gotta tell you he could give my dad a run for his money yeah yeah so i i feel bad for him but it doesn't make him crazy like it makes me crazy are you when you're even when you're when you're on the couch here do you have the uh the earplugs and the noise headphones on and stuff like that or you just kind of um i I live by noise canceling earphones. I bought a pair while we were in the rental place. It was the only way I could function.
Adeel [27:18]: And you were?
Joannie [27:18]: It was literally the only way I could function. I purposely bought those and I am not real big in the technology. You know, I am not one that, you know, I barely keep up. But I went and I bought a pair and I bought a Chromebook so I could have it in the kitchen.
Adeel [27:36]: Yeah.
Joannie [27:37]: So you've always got them on. And I would plug in. I would plug in. Right. The second I had to go in and cook dinner, oh, my God, I had a Christmas. I mean, try, like, people who have no idea what this is. Right. And this, for me, has really kind of come out, you know, I think my loved ones thought I literally lost my mind. You know, and I'm trying to make dinner for Christmas and not be walking around wearing these so I don't have to, like, explain myself over and over and over you know it just it was it was torture it was awful um but they became my best friend yeah and and i rely on them now to sleep. It's the only way I can sleep.
Adeel [28:27]: Do you have any sounds running through your headphones?
Joannie [28:30]: Blizzard.
Adeel [28:31]: Blizzard sounds.
Joannie [28:34]: Yeah, that's the only thing that can cancel out my husband.
Adeel [28:39]: Is there an app that you use for that or did you just record one winter? There's a YouTube.
Joannie [28:43]: Just the YouTube. Yeah, every night. Yeah.
Adeel [28:52]: interesting okay so um yeah so it's pretty so what about um are you looking forward to going back to the office then one day or or is it uh i um you know it's so funny when i i had worked the tv station i worked for i had worked there in the late early late 90s early 2000s
Joannie [29:21]: And then I had a 10-year break going into, oh, my God, hospitality and cooking in restaurant kitchens. And that was interesting. But once I came back... remember the hr the hr lady she has she was like you know if there's anything that you need let us know blah blah blah i'm like okay and i'm up at the receptionist desk is where my desk was i wasn't my main function and the clock behind me and i think it took me i don't know probably about not even a week or so. And I went back to her office. I'm like, remember when you told me? And she's like, sure, what can I get for you? I said, is it okay if we pick up a continuous motion clock?
Adeel [30:15]: Yeah, yeah.
Joannie [30:16]: And get reimbursed out of petty cash. And she gave me such a blank look. Like she was just like total blank. And she's like, I never would have thought that's what you were going to ask for when you came in. And I'm like, well, yeah, do you mind? And so that saved me there. But, you know, I went back to work there. It's been almost seven years now. My sensitivity has heightened over the last couple of years. And I've been... in my little corner where i work every day and i can control everything and going back is the idea of it causes me a great deal of anxiety are they going to make you go back or maybe that woman will be able to let you stay at home if she if they're open You know, there's a lot there. I have multiple reasons why I would really prefer to work from home. And, you know, the people that I work with, I have known them for 25 years. And because, you know, a lot of the same people are there. And I'm blessed. Seriously, I'm blessed because the pandemic has been, I shouldn't say the pandemic. the what comes along with the pandemic has been really difficult on some people me included um and being isolated i don't know i said the friend of mine i'm like is agoraphobia really a problem if you enjoy it and um and she kind of she's like well i think that's something a trained psychologist would probably be able to help you with you know and she was she was laughing at me knowing that i actually am seeing a trained psychologist yeah yeah yeah yeah um but it honestly to answer your question i think that i'll be able to stay home for as long as their grace allows me to And when I can't, then I'm going to have to suck it up. And then I'm going to have to make do. Just like I have had to all of my life. But that being said, I'm blessed because I have people in my life who do show me the grace. and you know including my husband who oh my god you know we live in this old farmhouse and i've got this wonderful porch and i love rainstorms i mean i love love love rainstorms i grew up i grew up with a porch and i can remember sitting out there and just the driving rain that we would have there were a couple good ones this year i don't know if they made it to southern minnesota but yeah oh so here i'm out there And there's a drain pipe that comes down off the second story that would, even just from morning dew.
Adeel [33:48]: Oh yeah, do that constant ticking. It would thunk, thunk, thunk.
Joannie [33:54]: And I couldn't sit out there. And we've been here for a year and a half and I just, you know, and I wouldn't say anything. You know, but the second it would start, I would be in the house. You know, it was obvious.
Adeel [34:09]: Right.
Joannie [34:11]: And my husband here a couple of weeks ago, we were in Menards and he said, let's go over and get some flashing. And he got some flashing and then he got up on the roof.
Adeel [34:24]: Yeah.
Joannie [34:26]: And he took care of it for me. And that is love. That is love because he doesn't understand this. He just can't really wrap his brain around it. But he loves me enough to.
Adeel [34:43]: Yeah, just fix it. And, you know, do the one time. You know, take a small step to just make your life a lot easier.
Joannie [34:53]: Yeah, that one little thing is just like, you know, that's what love is.
Adeel [34:58]: and uh yeah i know that's oh that's great that's that's that's yeah that's as much as we can hope for in somebody so that's great that you that you found that um yes did you said you were seeing a psychologist was that related to the misophonia was that kind of general stuff you know i think it's just everything this has really been the the misophonia is just one part of
Joannie [35:27]: I don't know, I feel is just enlightenment of getting older. You know what I mean? The understanding of it, being able to find a word for it is just one more way of me understanding what my life's been, what has driven me, trying to get some bearings. Because like I said, this time in our history, it's just not been kind to me. And i'm just i'm amazed by how defining this condition wound up being without my even knowing that i had yeah yeah yeah and once once i understood once i understood um so much kind of made sense because you know you look at you look at children and the trauma I mean, what trauma does to them and, and what the after, what the after effects as an adult is, you know, and, and I experienced that, you know, through just rampant alcohol and drug abuse. And, you know, I had the late seventies, early eighties. I, I had my fun, you know, it wasn't necessarily emotionally healthy fun, but you know, um, And I could never kind of correlate because I had a wonderful life. I had a beautiful childhood. My parents loved me. They provided for me. They were a constant presence, you know, and a positive presence as far as I'm concerned, even if it's not as lovey-dovey as what you see in the world now.
Adeel [37:20]: All right.
Joannie [37:21]: But so I could never understand, you know, and I would I would have it suggested to me that, you know, asked if I like I'd ever been abused or no, never. But once I started understanding what this condition has done in my life, that's where my trauma was.
Adeel [37:38]: Wow. Yeah.
Joannie [37:41]: Do you know what I mean? Does that make sense?
Adeel [37:43]: Yeah, well, I was going to ask, because you'd mentioned the alcohol and drug usage, was that as you were getting older, did you turn to that as kind of a coping mechanism? It seems like you're still trying to figure that out.
Joannie [37:56]: You know, it very well could be. Yeah, I'll let you know in a couple of years after I've hopefully achieved some more understanding.
Adeel [38:06]: Yeah, that's interesting. Okay, so, right. Because we talked earlier about how you, yeah, in that kind of those decades or years, this stuff was really talked about, you're supposed to suck it up. But at the same time, you had everything provided for you. You know, you were in a loving household. There was that snoring and other, I'm assuming other sounds. And, you know, we talked about how you were kind of struggling with... you know, obviously wanting to love your father, but also kind of hating him at the same time.
Joannie [38:38]: How do you deal with that? Yeah. Yeah, how do you deal with that?
Adeel [38:42]: And then you got puberty coming up and yeah, it's kind of like a powder keg. And then the next thing is, yeah, getting independence. And that's when you can make decisions on doing things that your friends are doing and probably starting to use substances. Yeah, that's interesting. You also mentioned that you around, did you, were you saying that your misophonia kind of dipped a little bit around 20 years old or something?
Joannie [39:15]: Excuse me? I'm sorry. What was that?
Adeel [39:17]: Oh, I was going to say, you said, I thought you said earlier that maybe your misophonia started to kind of like go away a little bit around when you were 20 or...
Joannie [39:26]: Yeah, yeah. I don't recall it being such a present.
Adeel [39:31]: I've heard that before, too. Yeah, that around that kind of like early adulthood that it kind of plateaus a little bit. Yeah, yeah.
Joannie [39:42]: I think pregnancy kind of brought out like more OCD-ness.
Adeel [39:46]: Mm-hmm.
Joannie [39:47]: in me which i kind of i kind of i'm assuming that it kind of goes together a little bit i've heard that as a comorbidity pretty often yeah yeah yeah it's it's frequently together um but the the noise issue my ex-husband had a fan that i really didn't like but again it's not you know it's not anything that At the time, I was thinking, okay, this is a condition. I always thought of it as a quirk. I never put it all together until the last couple of years. It's not just a fan. It's the noise and how my brain processes it.
Adeel [40:33]: Right. right yeah yeah did um did the substance stuff kind of like uh die off or you were able to kind of like just kind of lower that or get over that i'm curious how how um if that oh dear lord do you want the honest answer yes yes please oh dear lord my first husband i met him in rehab
Joannie [40:54]: okay gotcha yeah yeah such a bad plan there is a reason they say not to get involved for like a year afterwards because it just yeah it was such a bad plan um but i've had i've had my struggles i do not completely abstain um because i don't necessarily oh this i can just even hear how this is sounding You know, there are people who are, as they say in AA, constitutionally incapable of being honest with themselves. And I have met people over the years who, for whatever reason, they are so driven. And I bartended for eight years. So it's like I literally got to see it. And then there are people who self-medicate.
Adeel [41:53]: Yeah.
Joannie [41:55]: to some degree, all of their lives, I would say I'm that way. I would say most people, you know, are that way. And they are medicating with a variety of things, whether it be drugs or alcohol or food or sex or...
Adeel [42:17]: Right, some vice like that to kind of distract you.
Joannie [42:23]: Yeah, that's kind of where I'm at. I very rarely drink. I hate being hungover. I hate being out of control. I don't do drugs anymore. I don't consider pot a drug. I'm very pro-cannabis.
Adeel [42:44]: Yep. Does that help you?
Joannie [42:48]: Oh, yeah. Oh, for sure. Oh, yeah. It's like, it is like Xanax without the Benzo. You know? Yeah. Yeah. It just, I... Yeah.
Adeel [43:07]: Yeah. Because, you know, some people, you know, can make you paranoid. I guess it depends on which, you know, what kind of strain or whatever that you're using. But yeah, I'm always curious what people's experiences are with pot and misophonia.
Joannie [43:23]: Yeah, I grew up in the state of Kentucky, and that was their number one cash crop back then. And in the 70s, everybody smoked weed. And yes, I smoked weed, and I still occasionally smoke weed. And I honestly don't think that there's a single thing wrong with it. When I was in college, I even wrote a paper on what was the best customer at the bar. Was it somebody who drank? Was it somebody who drank and smoked pot? Or was it somebody who smoked pot? Or someone who did nothing? So. And the moderate drinker pot smoker was the best. They left me the most money in tips. They drank and ate the munchies. And they didn't ever, ever, ever start fights.
Adeel [44:13]: Right. Interesting.
Joannie [44:15]: Yeah. Yeah.
Adeel [44:17]: gotcha okay okay um and what about um so you know you said you found out recently that um they had a name and whatnot did you go back to um you know family members your kids your parents and tell them hey this is the real deal apologize now oh my god i'm trying to picture saying that to my mother she'd be like
Joannie [44:46]: And rightly so. And rightly so. Because she did the best she could. You know, they wouldn't have understood this. You know, honestly, they wouldn't have understood it. And what are they going to do? Move my dad out of the house? There was no place you could go without hearing him. You know, and you've got three kids and you're trying to live your life and... shouldn't say it not that way you know but raising three kids in the late 60s early 70s is a different experience than it is now and i can guarantee you they did not have the resources to to handle a child who had this type of condition to the extent that we would all like to see that be able to happen Does that make sense?
Adeel [45:45]: Oh, yeah. Yeah, absolutely. Yeah.
Joannie [45:48]: Yeah.
Adeel [45:48]: Yeah. You don't have all the resources that you that you have now at your fingertips. You know, it's harder. It's harder to get stuff back done back then. Harder to contact people, harder to meet people.
Joannie [45:58]: Harder to meet people, harder to harder to take time to be able to take your child to doctor's appointments and and everything. My mom didn't drive. what do your uh what do your kids think now have you mentioned it to them uh my son is very very similar my daughter i do not have uh i don't really have a relationship with um i believe someday that'll change yeah um but you know for now i would guess I'm not even gonna put a guest out there. But my son really, you know, it's interesting listening to him talk about just the things that affect him. And it just really has made me so much more aware. So he's got me so much more aware of what I had. Things I haven't thought about in years.
Adeel [47:09]: Yeah.
Joannie [47:10]: know so he's also got misophonia it seems like he is some measure of it yes some measure of it yes he's he's got different things different things he just can't handle yeah yeah um he also has sensory as as well as i do like there's certain things i can't touch okay yeah some tactile stuff i don't know if there's a name for that but yeah i'm just being visual as well things bother you um i i have a hard time with like artificial wind blowing on me i don't like it like fans i don't like fans at all i mean i'll i'll i'll lay there and sweat to death before i will have a fan blowing on me because i just Makes my skin crawl. Yeah, no.
Adeel [47:53]: Interesting. Yeah, I hadn't heard that one. But yeah, I can see how that's kind of an unwanted force. I can see how that could feel like an unwanted force or something on you.
Joannie [48:02]: Yeah, I just, yeah. I don't know what it is, but I know that I will actively avoid it.
Adeel [48:08]: Is your son your first child, second child?
Joannie [48:12]: Second child.
Adeel [48:13]: Okay, okay.
Joannie [48:14]: Second child. And he is... you know i don't know in your family but like in my family my one brother he's my mom's they are so similar you know and and that's the same way um with me and my kids my daughter she is her dad she has got her dad's temperament i mean not that she doesn't have stuff for me too but yeah she's got her dad's temperament and when i was pregnant with my son i remember thinking myself oh this one's fine this one's mine and he is
Adeel [48:44]: he we are very very similar did your maybe your it was your um your daughter was your first child i'm just curious if like maybe she um saw more of your maybe misophonia reactions and maybe um she there was some conflict she received the brunt of it yeah she received the brunt of it You think that that probably maybe had an effect for this kind of current, I don't know, distance to some extent? Oh, one of many.
Joannie [49:14]: Okay. One of many, many, many things. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Adeel [49:16]: Gotcha, gotcha.
Joannie [49:17]: Yeah, one of many things. I got to tell you, it's interesting having, I feel I have one foot in my mom and dad's generation and one foot in current.
Adeel [49:35]: Yeah.
Joannie [49:38]: And you do what you know. When you raise children, unless you have had a whole lot of therapy, you do what you know, we all do. And so she was on the receiving end of the parenting I had, coupled with all of the stresses of You know, single mom, terrible relationship with the ex-husband. Yeah. Constant fighting. You know, my poor kids. I. Yeah.
Adeel [50:23]: Yeah, no.
Joannie [50:24]: But again, I did the absolute best I could.
Adeel [50:27]: Yeah, there's no playbook, especially when, you know, yeah, everyone grows up differently, brings different baggage into, you know, what they're going to bring to their kids. So 20%. And I mean, just getting kind of mathematical. I mean, you're 55. You are kind of between two generations. You're between... I am, I am. Kind of between Baby Boomers and Gen X, I would say.
Joannie [50:51]: Yeah. so you kind of have seen a lot of different approaches it sounds like some of them healthy some of them less healthy it's hard to transition yeah you know i said earlier that you know there's still that side of me that goes what are you doing you're being such a whiner it up you know it's just this is stupid you know you're not the only one i mean the other side of me goes no wait it really isn't and trying to live like it was stupid caused me so much harm
Adeel [51:22]: Yep. And yeah, that's one of the reasons, honestly, why I do the podcast is because we're more than just a couple lines of ranting on Facebook or Reddit. There's a lot of things to learn from our experiences and how crazily similar some of them are, even though we... could be raised in completely different environments that have different backgrounds. So there's something here. And yeah, your note on hormones is really interesting. I hadn't heard anyone kind of make that connection, but I'm hoping people listening will, researchers listening will maybe think about that.
Joannie [52:01]: That is a large percentage of the reason why I reached out to you. Because I hadn't heard that address and I am truly convinced. And my general practitioner, whom I've been seeing her for almost 30 years now, and she works in a woman's clinic and she's well-versed with hormonal changes in women and menopause. And when I shared with her what I've been experiencing and how detrimental it is to my life. She told me that it is not unusual. It is not unusual for women to have, I don't want to say auditory issues, But that's what you think of. I can't tell you how many people have told me I should see an audiologist. I'm like, yeah, no. This is not a hearing thing. I hear just fine.
Adeel [52:52]: Right, right, right.
Joannie [52:54]: Yeah, yeah. So she said that she sees it. She sees it. She told me I was not the first person.
Adeel [53:05]: Really? Okay, so you're cheap.
Joannie [53:06]: To sit in her chair and tell her that, And although she did not know that there was a name for it, you know, she didn't even know.
Adeel [53:19]: I'm wondering if, yeah, I mean, totally, yeah, I could totally see a connection with hormones and this, but I'm also curious if she's staring to, if she's coincidentally seeing just a bunch of misophones as well. And... yeah well i'm glad at least you've probably told her what the name of it was and maybe she'll do a little bit more research and maybe um possibly possibly but it is amazing how many i mean nobody knows what this is no right right even even in mainstream medicine Oh, especially mainstreamers. They don't know what it is.
Joannie [53:54]: Yeah.
Adeel [53:55]: Yeah. I mean, it's just... The fascinating thing is, like you said, it's like a lot of us who even know what it is, we're also kind of conflicted as you are, you know. should i be making a big deal about this or no yeah it is a real thing so we yeah we have that we have kind of a jekyll and hyde personality in multiple ways you know the anger sets us off but also we there is also the self-doubt um i mean i'm convinced of something but yeah i also catch myself thinking should i really be freaking out about this yeah i i pick and i pick and choose you know i shouldn't say i pick and choose
Joannie [54:36]: There are certain... No, I do pick and choose how much I'm going to ask someone else to restrict their behavior for my comfort. That's what I pick and choose on. My husband loves to eat almonds. Loves to eat almonds. I could beat him about the head every time he does it. Our compromise... I will sit with, I'll sit and then the side that is facing him, I put in the noise canceling earphone.
Adeel [55:10]: Right.
Joannie [55:11]: Earbud.
Adeel [55:12]: Yep.
Joannie [55:13]: And then I can get through a meal. And he's become, you know, aware. So now he tries to maybe be in the other room. And that took me two years to let him be, for me to be okay with him doing that. Because I'm like, this is stupid. Let the man eat his nuts.
Adeel [55:39]: That'll be the title of this podcast. Let the man eat his nuts.
Joannie [55:43]: Yeah, let the man eat his nuts. That is 100%. What is she being? Because there's no reason why he shouldn't be able to sit down and eat something. Without his wife shooting daggers at him and then running from the room.
Adeel [55:57]: So you didn't tell him to go pity at the room. He, over the course of two years, ended up in the other room.
Joannie [56:04]: Actually, we fight over he's going and I'm like, no, no, no.
Adeel [56:08]: Gotcha.
Joannie [56:09]: Yeah, yeah.
Adeel [56:10]: And in a couple of years, he'll be on the porch and then maybe on the roof.
Joannie [56:13]: And then... He loves me, I have to tell you. I am a very, very fortunate woman. Very fortunate woman. But this was after, you know, at one point, literally having to sit down and look at him and going, I need you to believe me. Yeah, I need you to believe me because this is real. And there's nothing I can do about it.
Adeel [56:41]: Yeah, those are powerful words that many of us are unable to say because we either don't even know it has a name or feel bad about it. But I need you to believe me. Yeah, those are strong words. Yeah. It looks like they've kind of paid off for you. That's great.
Joannie [56:58]: Because I'm blessed.
Adeel [57:00]: Yeah.
Joannie [57:01]: Because I am blessed.
Adeel [57:04]: Well, you know, maybe on that note, yeah, we're about, you notice how this flies by even with my computer crashing. Yeah, it did. Anything you, for now, anything you kind of want to share with people who are listening?
Joannie [57:20]: I don't know the hormone thing is probably the biggest thing the hormone thing is the biggest thing that I really wanted to put out there that it is I feel such a big factor for me I let this be as much of a factor in my life as I let it you know I mean I have to I have to do the best I can and I think we all do
Adeel [57:51]: Yep. That's a great, great, uh, great note to end on. Um, yeah, Joni, thanks. Thanks for coming on. Um, well, maybe we'll pass by on the highway somewhere in Southern Minnesota. If you see a Kia Telluride, then that might be me. But, um, yeah, it's great to, great to come on. Great to get your insights. This is a, yeah, there's some really, uh, new, new things, uh, um, I heard and, uh, I hope it was, I hope it was good for you too. And I know a lot of listeners will, will enjoy this.
Joannie [58:19]: Okay. I hope you enjoy the rest of your day.
Adeel [58:21]: Thank you, Joni. Lots of stuff to think about there, and I do hope maybe some researcher or other professional thinks about or has maybe already looked into the possibility of a hormonal connection with misophonia. If you liked this episode, don't forget to leave a quick review or just hit the five stars wherever you listen to this podcast. You can hit me up by email at hello at misophoniapodcast.com or go to the website, misophoniapodcast.com. It's also even easier just to send a message on Instagram at Mr. Courtney Podcast and my DMs. You can follow there or Facebook or Twitter at Mr. Courtney Show. And finally, remember you can only support the show financially if possible by visiting the Patreon page at patreon.com slash mrcourtneypodcast. Music as always is by Moby and until next week, wishing you peace and quiet.
Unknown Speaker [59:36]: Bye.