#211 - Meagan
Transcript
Adeel [0:03]: podcast. This is episode 211. My name is Adeel Ahmad and I have Misophonia. This week I'm talking to Megan, an actress based in San Diego. Megan shares her personal journey with Misophonia as a wife and mother of three, including her experiences with therapy and self-regulation techniques. She discusses image transformational therapy, IMTT, that has provided Megan with significant relief from her symptoms, from 10 to about 2. We get into the neurological aspects of sound sensitivity, childhood experiences, generational patterns of sound sensitivity, and the potential of neurodivergence as a superpower. We also talk about the pilot TV show she's been working on with a partner called Triggered, which aims to show all the dimensions of misophonia in a television series. After the show, let me know what you think. You can reach out to me by email at hello at misophoniapodcast.com or hit me up on Instagram or Facebook at Misophonia Podcast. By the way, please head over, leave a quick rating or review wherever you listen to the show. It really helps drive us up in the algorithms, which just helps us reach more listeners. A few of my usual announcements. If you want to come on the podcast yourself, please go to misophoniapodcast.com and look for the link to become a guest. It's super easy and we'll send all the details. Misophonia.shop is open. If you want to support the show, you can find all kinds of merch there, all related to the podcast. And all profits go to support the show. The recording and hosting fees, 5% goes to support research at So Quiet, and the rest goes towards some special projects coming up that support research. Thanks for the incredible ongoing support of our Patreon supporters as well. If you feel like contributing there, you can read all about the various levels at patreon.com slash missafonia podcast. All right, now here's my conversation with Megan. Megan, welcome to the podcast. Great to have you here.
Unknown Speaker [2:12]: It's such a pleasure.
Adeel [2:13]: Yeah, no, I'm glad we can connect. So, yeah, you want to tell us kind of roughly kind of where you're located and whatnot and we'll get into what you do. Yeah.
Unknown Speaker [2:21]: I'm in San Diego and I have three kids, three dogs and a husband who's like another kid. Did I say that? um you know i mean i'm a husband so i agree with what you just said so yeah totally they're so high maintenance i mean it's like okay let's go let's get ready all the doors slam and like all the kids are like what are we doing what are we doing and sometimes it's just too much for my misphonia so i just run out and i sit in the car and wait like a like a tantrum toddler right yeah
Adeel [2:56]: Yeah. No, I feel that. Yeah, when it's, yeah, when people are, I don't have to say, but when it's a whole big production to get out of the house kind of thing, and suddenly forget something, and then they have to come back in. Yeah. Like, it's a big ordeal, and I definitely need some quiet time.
Unknown Speaker [3:13]: Yeah, I mean, self-regulation, right?
Adeel [3:15]: Mm-hmm.
Unknown Speaker [3:16]: That's a thing. So anyway, I am... really inspired by this podcast I just want to just like share my heart for a second or I guess in the beginning because what it does is it lets people who have what is perceived as an annoyance from the public or the friend who like is high maintenance or highly sensitive or whatever label you want to put on it however The neurological component is looked past and it is an invisible disability. And that is something that's wildly important for me to educate people on because I didn't know how much I suffered from this until they built a house next door to me.
Adeel [4:20]: Tell me about that. Yeah.
Unknown Speaker [4:22]: So, you know, you go through life and things bother you. I'm not brush under the rug kind of person as my husband would say, can't you just like brush things under the rug every once in a while? It's like, no, that means that they're going to get bigger and bigger and then you're going to pull them up and then, you know, I'm going to send you packing on your magic carpet ride one day. uh and essentially i am really really adhd and um i have this invisible invisible disability where i didn't know that them building a house next to me was going to turn on the gene that is in the 23andme test that says, you are 100% misophonic, right? And so when that happened, because I felt very invalidated in my life by how sounds started to affect me so deeply, almost to where the rage that was living in my body, the only thing I could do to mitigate it was to go to jujitsu and get beat up. And I was competing. I was kicking people's asses. I was getting choked. I was, you know, normal people, they go and they do like an hour and a half of intense exercise. My husband would come up after his class and look at me at the gym and say, okay, you're going to go home and like make dinner for the kids and blah, blah, blah. I'm like, no, please. I just need to like... keep like regulating myself for another class, you know? So it was so intense, the buildup in my body. And it, and it came from them building a house and framing a house next to me is what turned on the gene. I was able to, I was able to put the steps together. So I'd always been highly sensitive to sound, particularly chewing but a deal you know do you just pause for a second do you believe that when you put your thoughts on something that they show up more and more whatever it is that you're thinking is yeah um yeah you talk about this in general or just kind of like yeah with misophonia like if i think that i have an issue right which is relentlessly attacking me and i have no control of it other than to wear my extremely you know quiet earphones Do you believe that if I were to not focus on that, would I not be affected?
Adeel [7:23]: Yeah, well, that's the thing. The issue is it hijacks your reaction to the sound, hijacks your mind, and you can't think of it. And sometimes it takes days after the sound to truly forget about it. Yeah, absolutely. It ruminates. Yeah, it ruminates. And then if I'm trying to focus on something else, like work, then it's even more. It's like it's trying harder to take over. So absolutely, yeah.
Unknown Speaker [7:49]: Yeah. So it hijacks the amygdala. Right. So that puts us in a state of just back in our primal cave days. Right. Where evolution was all about, you know, feed me, let me sleep or let me survive. Right. And our body has not been doing that regulation for long enough. So. I think humans in 100 years are going to be far more equipped genetically to handle whatever is coming at them because of all of the discovery that science is pointing to in neuroscience with misophonia and with ADHD. and with dyslexia, all the whole encompass of neurodivergence, right, and autism. So I want to get back to the house. So my body initially, like became intensely rigid. I don't know, it was during COVID.
Adeel [8:55]: Yeah.
Unknown Speaker [8:56]: And so, of course, you're being affected in all these different ways and things are just happening to you. So you're in a reactionary state. Right. And your body does not care, meaning the amygdala does not care what you think or feel. It just responds to its environment. Right. So if your neural pathways are saying that there's something that's triggering you and it's living in your body. It's gonna just hold on. It does not care if it kills your bladder and makes you pee 50 times a day, or it makes you on high alert and you're like, you know, on a swivel constantly, or you wanna numb out on the TV and, you know, ignore your kids. You're gonna forget everything, right?
Adeel [9:48]: Trying to get your attention really bad.
Unknown Speaker [9:50]: Yes. And so I have been really, really lucky to work with a doctor who has helped me to get so much relief, wild relief, like life changing. That turned into relational changing relief, right? Relationship to my children, relationship to my husband. One thing you must know about me is I. The worst thing that you could ever tell me is that I'm a victim or I didn't do my best. Right. That in itself is something where you might as well just like I'll live on an island of my own because that is so important to me that I'm a contributor and that I'm impactful and I inspire people because I know I have the capability to do it. So try to, you know, if you don't mind, could you please just try to keep me on track during the interview? Cause I will go off a tangent and fall off a cliff.
Adeel [10:58]: Yeah, no, no, no. Don't worry. I'm watching. Okay.
Unknown Speaker [11:03]: So, um, are there, are there any, you know, things you want to ask me about? Like in particular, like, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Adeel [11:11]: Well, um, yeah, I want to ask about, well, why don't we, um, Why don't we start with, like, you said you met this doctor. Let's talk about it. I want to get into your childhood eventually, but, yeah, you said some pretty amazing things. What's going on with the doctor? How did you find them and what modality and what's going on?
Unknown Speaker [11:30]: So there is a modality called, well, first of all, my daughter at the time, I think she was 12, she was really suffering from ADHD. And, okay, let's write this down so I make sure it's fantastic. This is a very important thing that people need to know is out there. And they, this is, if there's any part of this interview you want to listen to, it's this, okay? And it's, my daughter was suffering. I got, I brought her to a therapist. The therapist happened to be married to a guy who was the founder of a modality called IMTT, Image Transformational therapy okay dr robert miller resides in san diego okay um he is him and his wife they he founded the modality he was i believe petitioned by the ukrainian government to help all of The psychologist over there, he's training over 600 people right now to help the Ukrainian people. Okay. This modality was discovered through, this is not EMDR people. This is not sit there and try to tip tap around and try to like, you know, defuse and make it go away, lessen the charge. No, this is a therapy in which you have a sensation, a pain, he does not focus on memories, okay? Which is different from EMDR. But what it does is it, here's an example. I say, Amir, when you hear me smacking, What is the first thing that pops in your head? And you tell me. It could literally be the word toothpick. Okay? But let's just say, I say, where is the pain in your body when you're smacking? You close your eyes and the first thing that comes out, you say it. You say, your chest. I say, okay, close your eyes. It's in your chest. We're not going to think about that anymore. We're not going to think about the pain at all. What we're going to do is we're going to talk about what color is it in your chest, right? And so you identify it as the sensation of, okay, or the pain of, because his findings have found to be where everything in this world, even attention, with ADHD, the attention pain protocol, right? What happens to me when my children bust in my room and I'm on a task? What happens to me? I get a pain. Where is that pain? It's like right here. It's like by my ear and it's like black and gray and like I close my eyes. And so what we do with this modality, I mean, and this is witchy shit. I'm telling you, people think that this is not... possible. I have never had so much relief in my entire life. He said, Megan, so let's go to how my therapy started. What does it feel like when, you know, the sound is around you and you can't manage it? What is that? And I said, it feels like the feeling of being attacked. It's the feeling of having I'm being attacked by sound. Okay, where is that in your body? I found it. And when I say this, I swear on my life and my children, I got rid of this sensation of the attack when I found it. I breathed it out of 36 different points of my body till it was completely gone. And for the first time in six years, I went downstairs and I walked in to the room where they're watching America's Got Talent and they're yelling. And it's like seven o'clock at night. And I said, hey, what are you guys watching? The dogs are barking. Someone's at the door. And this is the most like dysregulating time for me is the evening. We're all very vulnerable in the morning. Our nervous systems have slept all day. We're just gearing up. And at night when we're started totally depleted and we were like a nuclear bomb, right?
Adeel [16:32]: I relate to that.
Unknown Speaker [16:34]: Yes. So went in there and they looked at me with these eyes like, is mom in this room right now at this time? And the fascinating thing about this is the findings have found and the reason this is going to be life changing for people when they actually really commit to it. By the way, I've recommended to every single one of my friends. So many of my friends of lives have started to change. It's the most gentle therapy. You're not focusing on a memory of where, you know, sound came and attacked you or if you were like sexually assaulted, you're not focusing on that. It has nothing to do with focusing on the memory. You focus on actually what the pain is what the odor is associated with the pain and or the sensation and or the attention pain, right? And then you find it in your body and through the modality, you release it like throughout particles, just like breathing the mouth. And your body is so smart that it knows when, for example, inside the middle of your brain, you find that sensation and I focus on it and I see it and I breathe it out. And you know it's working when you feel like either you got hit by a truck, you want to pass out, you want to pass out during the therapy and fall asleep because you are so freaking exhausted afterwards. But then as your brain recalibrates because it doesn't hold that in your psychological space anymore. your experience of sound is not the same. It is mind-blowing.
Adeel [18:29]: So... And you said you went, you said 36 places in the body. So do you do this multiple times? Are you kind of maintaining, do you do this kind of daily, like a meditation?
Unknown Speaker [18:38]: No. You, once, this is the craziest part about it. Once you release... It is fucking gone in your life and the experience of what you thought and had been experiencing is gone because your psychological space is not holding it anymore. And that is the wild part about this therapy. I have watched it change my marriage and how my husband relates to me. He goes as far to say, Amir, right now you have an attitude about, let's say, your spouse, right? And your husband. And he always, whenever you do something, he has an attitude about you that's like... he's not going to get it done, right? Or whatever. Let's just say I'm just being intuitive right now with my energy, right? So that attitude is your responsibility. So he says, let's go into a big sphere in your psychological space and close your eyes. And I want you to see that attitude on a wall that's about six feet in front of you, behind you. Where is it? Close your eyes. It's not a psychological evaluation. You tell me instantly, where do you see it? Where do you feel it? And you say, huh? And he says, point with your hand where the attitude that he has towards you is on that wall. right here's an example i found the attitude that i wasn't going to be enough to know how to raise my child at the stage she's at in development i was going to crumble i was going to fail her right all those things and i saw out there on the wall and he goes i want you to dig it out And I said, what? This is some crazy shit. He's like, just do it. You want relief? And I'm like, this is crazy. So you close your eyes and you physically pick your hands up and you start digging it out. And as you're digging it out, your mind grabs it. You take it, you feel it, and then you shake it out to get it out of your body, right? You keep digging it. You keep digging. You keep digging. At the very end, when it's all gone, he says, okay, now I want you to stare at a blank wall. I just want you to stare at a blank wall and not say anything. Whatever your mind does, it does. Don't think about anything. Just stare at the blank wall. And then a minute later, he goes, so tell me about that attitude. Tell me about that attitude about your daughter. What do you feel about that attitude now? And then you go... It seems distant.
Adeel [21:40]: It seems like it's gone.
Unknown Speaker [21:42]: I'm her mom. I'm her mom. I can't do anything. I mean, my experience was... I got this. It doesn't bother me anymore. So there's there's there's all these different ways. I had the attitude of, you know, I had an attitude that my husband was extremely close minded. Right. Because I'm an artist. Right. And I'm open like a book.
Meagan [22:12]: Yeah.
Unknown Speaker [22:13]: And I hold no secrets. And, you know, you're as sick as your secrets. Whatever people used to say, however, people used to feel, you know, our shame. our pain, our masks that we wear to protect ourselves from really being seen and really being received as we are in time, in the moment, as a present person. So I released that. I mean, I go as far as I found in my body This is when I was hook, line, and sinker drink the Kool-Aid is when I spoke at a hybrid conference in front of 100,000 people. I was more nervous that day to be there and at the neuroscience conference on the panel as one of the four out of all the people they had chosen in the world. I've convinced these people somehow that I'm worthy to be heard, right? But my message is absolutely worthy and I am absolutely worthy. But in that moment, my brain was hijacking me and taking it to that place of, you know, that on guard place. Like, am I enough? So before I went, I worked with my therapist on. She goes, well, what's in your body that's happening? I said, it's just doubt. It's the first thing that came to mind. She goes, okay, tell me what's an odor associated with that. I closed my eyes and I said, wood. And then she goes, okay, so now tell me about this wood. I said, it's like a wooden spoon. And she goes, oh, interesting. What else? And I said, spaghetti sauce. And this memory came flooding in of when I was in the kitchen, my mom was making spaghetti, and she spanked me with a wooden spoon right here because I kept feeling a sensation here. So we released the sensation here. of the wooden spoon throughout my whole body, 36 points. And then I released the feeling of doubt. And it was like black and gooey and molasses light. And it took like two hours.
Adeel [24:54]: Of breathing? Of like, what was going on for the, okay.
Unknown Speaker [25:01]: Of breathing it out of 36 different points of my body.
Adeel [25:06]: So you'd visualize a different part of your body and do an exhale kind of thing?
Unknown Speaker [25:10]: Yes. So you see it releasing throughout the particles of your skin. For me, I got so efficient at it, and I'm now very efficient at it, that I go in there in my mind with like a dust buster or a power washer. And I like release attitudes very quickly because I know that I'm efficient and my brain knows what to do. But just like everything, and how do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time. Everything's hard before it's easy. It is exhausting work in the beginning. You're telling your brain. And the reason this works, the science behind it, probably the most important part I have to tell people is the most important part is the reason it works. It's because we are not turning on the amygdala. Right. If the amygdala is in the fight flight response side of the world, then what that means is when we turn on a painful memory. Right. It's going to go straight there and protect us. But if we're just talking about a random color and particles out of our skin, our body is actually going to do the work and not be arrested. This is why the science works. My hands are drenched and sweating right now. I do have hyperhidrosis, but they're inordinately sweating because I'm so fired up about sharing this because it's been life-changing.
Adeel [26:37]: Yeah, and I'm curious, maybe specifically about misophonia, when and how are you finding the... I mean, it sounds like... So what would you say in terms of misophonia level on 1 to 10 now? Is it down to 1 to 2?
Unknown Speaker [26:51]: Yes, my misophonia is at a 2.
Adeel [26:55]: Nice. Okay.
Unknown Speaker [26:55]: It used to be at like a 10.
Adeel [26:59]: Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Wow. Okay. That's amazing. That's great news. That's great news. Yeah. No, that's amazing. Well, so yeah, one thing I want to ask there is, and this might be sidling back to kind of like early days, but one thing I'm slightly confused is like part of the, it sounds like part of the modality is not thinking about memories, but then for this, the thing about the wooden spoon, very steeped in a memory. So I'm kind of curious.
Unknown Speaker [27:26]: Right, because it was an odor. So it was an odor of wood that was associated with a sensation on the side of my ear. And I didn't know what it was. And then the memory itself came flooding in because my brain wants to automatically protect me. Because if I know that there's a sensation... then the sensation is tied to that memory, right? But we don't go looking for the memories at all.
Adeel [28:02]: Oh, okay. You don't specifically go in looking for the memories like you would for EMDR or a lot of these other modalities.
Unknown Speaker [28:09]: Because that would arrest the brain. And yes, you would get some relief and the charge would lessen.
Adeel [28:15]: And you think that would activate the amygdala, which would distract the healing process is what you're saying. Yeah.
Unknown Speaker [28:21]: The release process. So the amygdala is still holding on to the memory of someone being sexually assaulted. But guess what? When you do this work, the experience of whatever that sensation was that was held in the memory, right? It's gone. With EMDR, it's still there. Here, it's gone. The psychological space that held the memory, it's gone.
Adeel [28:57]: Well, the space is still there, but it's not filled with the memory I would imagine.
Unknown Speaker [29:00]: It's empty. And now because it's empty, your experience of being intruded upon with sound, right? Because that was the exact words that came out of my mouth. And my husband... finally learned that that was how sound made me feel. And when I could articulate that and put his empathy with my articulation of it, that's when things just got so good and delicious because he never realized that that is how sound made me feel. At night, I'm settled in, he comes, he closed the bathroom door. And it's like totally dysregulating. It's like turn the fucking handle and make it silent. I mean, I had a handyman over here, and the only thing he was doing was putting door silencers on.
Adeel [29:55]: I've been Googling that quite a lot. Yes, I can relate.
Unknown Speaker [30:02]: Now, when I am PMSing, as a woman does oftentimes.
Adeel [30:07]: That I can't relate with as much.
Unknown Speaker [30:09]: Right, but hormonal dysregulation is real, right? So it feels similar to when you're hangry. Right? You're hungry, angry, right? You're just... So, I can flare up, but not near to what... I mean, I used to not be able to sit by my kids and enjoy breakfast. And for the first time in six years, I sat next to my kids, and they said to me, Mom, we've never done this. And I said... you know what at this age that you are now the way you know the world and you know me and you know yourself you're right we never have and it was so magical for them to see me go through something hard them experience me on that side of it right but then to see how i was so remorseful for missing out
Adeel [31:16]: misophony grief which has come up talked about on the podcast is yeah the missing out the things we events we miss out on and relationships that have wedges yeah and and if we can have more of a conversation about how we really do feel intruded upon and people can make spaces safe for us
Unknown Speaker [31:41]: Right. If we are in a state of suffering or arrestedness, right, where our brain is holding on very tightly. Then guess what? We can we can slowly, you know, build trust with those relationships to slowly, hopefully find, you know, to get in touch with people who. who are people like Robert Miller and Janet Miller, who are the founders of this and will just blow you away and just create so much peace in your life. You can't believe you are living some way differently. You can't believe it. I will tell you, I have lost probably eight pounds since I call it curing my misophonia. And the reason why is because I used to eat to regulate myself because I was internally triggered by everything. And nobody cared. Nobody understood it. It creates that wedge. It creates that... people want to pull themselves out of conversations with people like me real quick just to save themselves from the confusion of oh god i don't want to upset her or oh god walking on eggshells yeah and and i'm telling you it has been such a gift because now i am i'm so present there's no there's no eggshells My husband said to me, between the misophonic therapy and the attention pain therapy that I've been doing for my ADHD, he's like, you're so feminine.
Adeel [33:42]: I'm like, you're such a... Again, I won't be able to relate with that either, but I don't... But he just means that I'm not full of rage. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Unknown Speaker [33:51]: And I have a daughter who has misophonia.
Adeel [33:56]: Okay.
Unknown Speaker [33:58]: She's 14. And I think she's learning by watching me. And I kind of just tell her, look, if you're feeling like that's misophonic or too much sound, put your earphones on. She wears them like 24-7. But I'm trying to also show her like, You know, you can be a victim to this if you want, but it's not going to get you anywhere. It will slow things down in your life. What you create for yourself will not happen the way that you wish it did. But if you take it by the balls and you're like, look, sound and me are not friends yet, but we're going to figure it out. And I'm going to watch mom and learn from her. even though I don't even want to listen to her. But I really do point out often to her, like, that's your misophonia. You know, and even my little one, she definitely has parts of this gene for sure.
Adeel [35:02]: That's amazing. Can I just say, I love that approach of, like, the big picture. Like, don't try, like, in this society, we feel like we need to, like, take a pill and cure everything immediately. But something like this takes time and you sometimes might need to be ready for it. I think,
Unknown Speaker [35:18]: I think it takes awareness. I don't think it takes time. I could, if Athena believed in the therapy, which she has done, by the way, and I have seen her get a lot of relief around certain things. But because mom and dad see them, she now is autonomous and says, I don't want to see them. Right? So she won't go back to them.
Adeel [35:44]: It's not cool. Right.
Unknown Speaker [35:46]: It's not cool. There's not many people who, because it's a very new founded therapy, not many people, A, believe in it. Not many people think it's possible, right? But I'm sitting here, like I had to create my television show because I knew there were people like me suffering. And my writer, my main writer, Joe Laflamme, he's just a genius. He's like my creative brother, right? He's like doing the script and this and that and he brings it back to me and I just like, I'm X-ing things out and I'm like, no, no, no, no, no. The misophonia is what this woman is suffering from. So this part, although it might be eloquent, nice Hollywood writing, The world of the misophonia has to be vibrating, frenetic in this script. And it's not. So we go back and back and back to it until we got it to a place. But then also when we actually do finally shoot our pilot, when we do raise the funds, what'll be great is that every single person on set is going to A, have an education of this. They're going to... now understand how to look at things from a misophonic perspective and a neurodivergent perspective and an adhd perspective so there will be a lot of educating but then all in all i have several people on my team who are already neurodivergent so it's pretty spectacular in that way and i made that i made that very important I made that very important. Also, the lead actor himself is.
Adeel [37:41]: So is this a pilot that's obviously being written as something you're intending to be like a 30-minute kind of like a fiction?
Unknown Speaker [37:48]: Yeah, a 30-minute. It's based on a character who just, you know, is going to... She's on the brink because of her misophonia and it's undiagnosed the entire first season. So we just watch her trying to figure it out and being at the reactionary state of what's happening to her. She's a single mom. You know, she has an autistic kid. And it's pretty amazing how... uh brilliant the writing is and then when you put that with like the propulsive and frenetic wind of high concept which is everyone wants to do misophony everyone wants to do is something where it's all about you know neurodivergence right but when you flip it on its head and it's about the caregiver instead of the person who is your co-star, right, about the son or the daughter, right? But this is about how the caregiver of the person with misophonia, and then to couple it up with somebody who's neurodivergent, and the windfall and the train wreck that happens, you know, it's just...
Adeel [39:13]: Yeah, I think this one is an untapped creative emotional landscape. I've said this many times. I'm glad that you're attacking it. I'm trying to write a play. I'm trying to write a musical. It's totally untapped and very important work. If you have a link or something to that, I'd love to share it. Oh, yes.
Unknown Speaker [39:34]: I can definitely share after this. I can do all my stuff. But yeah, I want you to know that If it were yesterday and I didn't know about Robert Miller, or sorry, if it were today and I didn't know about Robert Miller and Janet Miller and this IMTT, I will be sitting here having a totally different experience of all the sounds that are around me right now. And I wouldn't get to be full of presence. I wouldn't get to, no. I would feel embarrassed. I would feel worried how you're perceiving me. I would, I would want to mask and probably overly act like everything's okay.
Adeel [40:23]: Yeah.
Unknown Speaker [40:24]: I would, I would just be in a professional state of dysregulation. Let's be honest.
Adeel [40:31]: Yeah. Yeah. I can relate.
Unknown Speaker [40:33]: And I don't know if you're ADHD, but coupled with ADHD, I mean, it is an emotionally dysregulating state. So, I mean, it's just the train wreck express.
Unknown Speaker [40:50]: Yeah.
Adeel [40:51]: Well, fascinating. I would love to, like, you know, we got a glimpse. By the way, Athena is an amazing name for a candle. Thank you. I was going to say, yeah, we heard a little bit. There's got to be more to your childhood than the wooden spoon. I'd love to hear a little bit about, like, when did Mississippi start?
Unknown Speaker [41:08]: So I watched my – I've always noticed since I was about – I would say eight, that my mom was always very, well, type A perfectionist, total opposite from me. And I think probably my first memories of being dysregulated with sound was because I really do believe that the genes get turned on in the psychological space, right? So it can show up as a trauma. right now i don't try to focus on that word trauma because i feel like it's very overused in my opinion um and then for those people who maybe have a trauma or memory or experience that's far worse than their friend those do-gooders out there are like oh well my trauma is not as bad as this so then they give themselves a little free ticket to not work on themselves Right. And so I try not to use that word. But what I'll say is that I noticed my mom being super type A. I'm the opposite of that. And as after I started puberty, I started to feel like I wanted to spend a lot of time in my room. just maybe away from like clanking and like normal sounds. I felt like I was on high alert. But remember, I'm a kid. So I didn't know what that was. And then you couple that with the adolescence and the angst of adolescence. And then you couple that with ADHD. I mean, I went to three different I just did a lot of masking. I didn't know, you know, people have come up with that new trendy word masking, but I mean, I think that's exactly what I was doing. So it never really uncovered until after I had my own children and I was alone. My body had been put through a blender and then set out aside overnight and said, okay, now deal with your life. And then I had a kid to take care of who depended on me in every single aspect. So that's when sound really started to affect me. And it really started to affect me first and foremost to the person closest to me, which was my husband. His voice, the tone, the volume. And then couple that with ADHD. You know, he has a tendency to, you know, constantly interrupt me. But then also now looking forward with how when that interruption happens, it's my responsibility of how I'm going to respond. Am I going to make him feel like he's a terrible person? No. Have I in the past for all these years? Yes. Do I understand people who interrupt people over and over again? No. Why? Because my brain works differently. I know that I get dysregulated when I'm interrupted. I know that people who have ADHD commonly interrupt people so it's like a lose-lose right i'm like a walking contradiction i'm like oh no but i have misophonia so don't interrupt me and i have adhd but by the way if you're in relationship with me i'm going to interrupt you all the time and it's just my disorder i mean come on that's just i mean that it's it's a wonder we can be in relationships sometimes yeah But what I will say is that after having kids, my misophonia turned into like the devil. I noticed doors closing. I noticed the sounds of people talking from downstairs to upstairs. I noticed how sounds tended to not just travel around me. but it started to travel in me. And I was like wearing like sound in my body, right? And that feeling of being intruded upon. And so, I mean, I'm sure you know, you go to a party and you're like, I'm out. You know, people look at you like you are batshit crazy, but my boundaries, for being dysregulated, if that's the only way I can take care of myself, what am I going to go do? Walk around with headphones on and like pretend like to be there. I would rather just be in my room by myself, numbing out, you know, giving myself dopamine hits, you know, mindlessly scrolling or numbing out on, you know, some amazing, well-written, you know, Italian comedy series right on on you know some streaming service right i mean i just it was all about the isolation my world became very very very very small and that is the thing when i knew i was really suffering is how small my world became i was never spending time with my kids their sounds, their movements. It was unmanageable. And the worst pain is that your kids are just being children, right? So they're learning that the way that I'm treating them is normal. And once I came to grips with the fact that I was modeling behavior and neglecting them, that's when I started to realize that, you know, I've always been a very verbal person, communicating my feelings, what's going on, but that's when I started to really start to focus on, okay, how can I communicate to my children what's going on with me even if my husband doesn't understand it got so bad that i got severe interstitial cystitis which is cystitis of the bladder so i was holding on to this sound when they're framing the house that my body was arrested physically and psychologically that the only thing I could do was like, try not to ruminate. And try to keep myself busy in the middle of COVID when I'm stuck in a house with a nursing baby, a kindergartner trying to get on Zoom. Are you kidding? And learn how to have a computer as a kindergartner with a nursing baby on my tit. And then a third grader upstairs who's neurodivergent, walking in circles, you know, total perfectionist, wants to do everything right. probably living her best life in a lot of ways because she's more introverted you know so oh it was it was such a journey so you know the reason i this show is going to be so profound whoever it is that comes to the table and says You know, I want to support not only you as a creative and believe in your talent, but I want to get big names attached to this who can come to the table and say, I know exactly what we need to get this to the masses. My goal for the show is to raise awareness to where I can go to legislation and I can get a mandated curriculum for the neurotypical public school system. And I can put in place a neurodivergent curriculum where kids K through five can learn about the experience that people have such as myself. But starting from being a child, the amount of empathy and compassion it will build. And just the awareness piece of how if now a neurotypical child who just everything comes to simply, easily can go and express to their mom and dad what they learned about. imagine how it could even educate adults because children are the trailblazers but the catch-22 is we're responsible for educating them so if we know better we better do better at the neuroscience conference they talked about one of my favorite um autistic young men. His name is Otto. Everyone go visit him at Otto Types. And he's nonverbal. And he's 16. 16 or 18. I can't remember offhand. But he's a trailblazer. And he's partnered with Autism Tree as I am. And he's all about, you know, making an impact. Making a difference. making sure that disability is not a dirty word you know easter seals new hashtag is disability is not a dirty word you know easter seals could come to the table and say wow misophonia it's an invisible disability people really are suffering not a lot of people know And the relief that these people's story needs just for them to be put on a platform. And that's why you are so important, Adeel, because what you've done is you said, I have to make an impact. I have to help people know they're not alone. And the only way we do that is by building community. There is no other proven way.
Adeel [52:36]: Yeah, I mean, I started this to share these stories because everyone is having similar experiences, but no one knew that it was so common. You know, all these memories and just the thoughts that we think are just us.
Unknown Speaker [52:53]: no it's been great um actually would you say you said you're attached to the um autism tree are you yourself diagnosed on the spectrum no so so with misophonia i have the type of misophonia and adhd where i i guess what's the name of it it's um my therapist has told me before and i can't recall the name of it because that's probably like don't fucking tell me i'm anything right Just tell me I'm a good person and I'm doing the best I can, right? So it's the kind in where it's like, it's one of the rarer kinds. It's where the women have, I'm going to have to find it out. What I want to say about it is that I have behaviors that mirror similar to what it is like to be on the spectrum. the amount of overwhelm and stimulation that my body can take in and how I can completely hyperfixate and ruminate. Those are the things that I would say mirror being on the spectrum. But I have not been diagnosed on the spectrum. I definitely think that and 10 years from now they could come out and say people with ADHD and misophonia are probably on the spectrum, you know? Um, but no, I, I'm grateful that I've been able to be educated by so many people on the spectrum, um, and all different varying degrees of it. Um, it's a superpower. I mean, it really, it, I just put on my Instagram, I think a few days ago about how, you know, people need to watch out because actually neurodivergence and autism is a superpower. And, you know, you might think that we're a paper airplane and we're just flying around in the world, just like effortlessly, like a piece of paper, like a paper airplane. We don't know where we're going. The facts are is that we're a 747. And we're going to write better than you. We're going to take your jobs. We're going to make incredible technology. We're going to... I mean, look at Steve Jobs. Look at Einstein. You know what I mean? They were totally neurodivergent. Did anybody know? No. I mean, there's a varying degree of different people, right? But I truly think that misophonia needs to be talked about more because... when you have a severe affectation, I'll call it, right? You really are. your brain is arrested you're you're completely just firing on all cylinders that's the reason and that's the reason i lost you know eight pounds when after i i got cured it i stopped snacking for the first time my whole life and the weight just started falling off and i was like what is going on and i started talking to my therapist about it and she said you're not internally triggered You're not holding on to anything anymore because your body is starting to relax for the first time.
Adeel [56:33]: did what your it sounds like just to get a we probably want to like an hour into it this has been an amazing conversation I do want about your initial so the house building was kind of like the big catalyst for you I guess but growing up like were you reacting to your I don't know like your sounds at home or do you
Unknown Speaker [57:01]: it really started to sound sensitive and no what happened to me is my hyperactivity my adhd played a much larger part in my life gotcha as i started to slow down and my world became less about me right and more about my kids and family and my husband and yeah everything around me um that's when i started to notice how dysregulated I was. And that's when, I mean, my husband, you know, he would always say, you don't have that, that's not real. Like you're exaggerating, you're making it up. And when that really started to happen, because no one was talking about misophonia three years ago, right? But my body was really responding terribly. to it and um when we did that 23 and me thing that was it it was like i felt so vindicated did your um growing what about your um your your dad was he around too uh growing up my mom my mom has misophonia oh okay okay Yeah, and my mom would always retire early to the bedroom. She would always put her hands over her ears. She would always tell us, shh. She would always tell us, you're too loud, right? That was the way it showed up for her. And even my grandmother, who's 99, she has always been extremely sensitive to sound. So she really was the impetus for me creating the show because I thought, this runs really deep. And I thought, it's in grandma and she doesn't talk about it and doesn't, other than saying, yeah, I've always been really sensitive to sound. And yeah, my mother, I remember my mother didn't like loud noises too.
Adeel [59:07]: Wait, your 99-year-old grandmother said her mother didn't believe? Okay, okay. Where did they grow up out of curiosity? Texas. Texas, okay.
Unknown Speaker [59:16]: Yeah, in Houston, Texas. But no, I really believe in a certain event's turn on genes. My misophonia did not start to derail my life until like eight years ago. Like derail my life.
Adeel [59:38]: Yeah, yeah, yeah. It sounds like you talked to your mom about misophonia. She's like, yes. Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Unknown Speaker [59:46]: She got it done, too. She got the 23andMe done, too.
Adeel [59:50]: Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, I had them on the show, like, early on. I had one of the product managers on the podcast, and we talked about the test and all that. Oh, my gosh. It must be worth listening to if it affected your family so much.
Unknown Speaker [60:04]: Do they have it? Do they have misophonia? Yeah.
Adeel [60:07]: The people at 23andMe know they didn't have it, but they were talking about the science behind it, basically.
Unknown Speaker [60:17]: Fascinating.
Adeel [60:18]: Did you have siblings also growing up?
Unknown Speaker [60:24]: Yes, I have two siblings. And my sister, she definitely has it. She has, you know... Myriad of things but one thing I've always noticed is hers was the oral side That I definitely remember from an early early age and it would start with us being at the movies sitting next to her eating me eating popcorn or me eating and her being so Disregulated and almost wanting to like knock me out because of you know, that rage component is so real and That's why if it's untreated, it's no joke.
Adeel [61:08]: Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, we know. Yeah. Fascinating. Has she tried to maybe do what you did?
Unknown Speaker [61:17]: I told her about it. She has too many other things going on she's trying to work through, but it's interesting to watch how people handle misophonia themselves, and then how people handle being around someone who's sensitive to sound. I will say for relief purposes, before I was, I call it cured, before I was cured, I started wearing the inserts in my ears. the it was either the airpods or it was the company loop you know and i had i mean i ordered stuff from timu i mean i i ordered i had a bin in like little areas around the house And they were mismatched. It didn't matter. I was desperate. I couldn't find them one day. I went up downstairs in my kid's swimming bag and I put the wax in my ears. I mean, I was... Do you know the wax they wear to protect their ears from water?
Adeel [62:36]: Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay.
Unknown Speaker [62:37]: I put that in my ears because I couldn't find my earbuds.
Adeel [62:41]: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Unknown Speaker [62:42]: I mean, it just... yeah it's it takes over your body's looking for ways to to not to not hear it when you're when you're so dysregulated um and then you couple that with with another neurological disorder with adhd i mean you're you're like a tornado and i'm already an extrovert and i'm already very vocal so i mean my family i was suffering but my family was equally suffering and that's the part i when i think about that that i there's a lot of pain still a lot of work that i need to do to release that from your from your current family i caused a lot of pain and missed out on a lot Or most of all, I feel like maybe they missed out on everything. Right. I mean, not to say that I'm not a very loving, comforting, present mom when I am there. But, you know, as I started to trek along in my acting career and figure out misophonia was really affecting me, acting was like one of the only things that gave me relief. And then I thought, I have to go a step further and be a contributor in this world because I'm not going to just take up space like a self-righteous, you know, comfortable person who gets to live in a sovereign country, or so they say.
Adeel [64:16]: Yeah.
Unknown Speaker [64:18]: Right?
Adeel [64:19]: Right, yes. That's another topic.
Meagan [64:21]: That's another conversation.
Adeel [64:22]: Yeah. Oh, well, it's not, I mean, we could go on for hours. I would love to have you on again, especially if like things move with, um, you know, with the show.
Unknown Speaker [64:31]: Yeah. The show is titled triggered. Yeah.
Adeel [64:35]: Okay.
Unknown Speaker [64:36]: Um, it is going to move along.
Adeel [64:40]: Right. When, when it was a lot, exactly.
Unknown Speaker [64:45]: I just, I just kind of shout out. I got a shout out to all the misophonics out there. There is relief for you. and you know you guys should all look up dr robert miller phd um imtt.com i don't know i'll give you all the links but i'm telling you like he could retire after the amount of people that are going to call him now i bet if i mean it is been life changing for me. You know, what's really amazing is the next time my spouse and I should both be on to see how he has experienced me being different because that is what shows people go, holy shit. Like imagine if you're living a life of this experience of being dysregulated and it's all you know. And suddenly someone says, what if I could take that experience you have that you hold and you'd never have that experience? And you're like, huh? They're like, I could literally take it out of your psychological space. and the experience of sound or whatever, right? The pain when you have to pay attention to different tasks, right? What if that you could get so much relief, you'd be like, I can't believe I was like that before.
Adeel [66:24]: Amazing. Well, let's, yeah, I don't know. Let's end it on that note. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Unknown Speaker [66:29]: For parents who are listening. So you're thinking, oh, well, adults, okay. You know, you do it with adults. There are, you do like three or four different points with children. So for children who are, for example, have a pain about, let's just use what kids go through. They feel left out. Right? Mm-hmm. So let's take a type A kid, feels left out, doesn't feel included, causes a pain. Say, what's that pain? It's right here in my chest, right? Okay. Dr. Miller says, you know, kids just do like three or four spots and releasing those particles out through their skin and breathing them out. And their body knows just the same when it's gone. But with children, it's really fun because you go, okay, Where is that in your body? And they say, here. And then I say, okay, what do you see in there? And my daughter, she said, it's blue. I said, okay, what kind, what's the consistency? She goes, marshmallows. I said, okay, can we breathe those marshmallows out of your chest? And we did it. And then I asked her, and we only did one point, and she's six. And I asked her, I said, you know, and mind you, I know a lot of people are listening to this and going, there is no fucking way. You know? And I hope you allow cursing on this podcast. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, there is. There is. And it is true. And it is real. And so now... My daughter, I ask her, how do you feel about, you know, not being included? She goes, I don't know. It's, I don't know. Instead of the pain being there and present and taking over and dysregulating her and being bigger and causing stories and anxieties, right? She now has, out of her psychological space, her body's not holding on to her. all the what ifs, or maybe I'm a terrible person, or what did I do wrong, or how did I cause it? Oh my God, what do they think of me? Right?
Meagan [68:56]: Right.
Unknown Speaker [68:57]: So, I mean, this is very, very important work for our children to learn. And then when you get efficient at it, and you get the relief, You literally don't need to go spend all the money on these people because you walk around and just be in your car. Be like, okay, I really am having an association to blah, blah, blah. Now I got to go. I got to just settle and I just got to go get it out.
Adeel [69:31]: Dust busting, like you said earlier.
Unknown Speaker [69:35]: Power washing, dust busting. Yeah, it's really something.
Adeel [69:40]: Amazing. Yeah, no, it sounds like you, I mean, drastic change. This is amazing and something I'll definitely be looking into. And yeah, I'll also have links to not just you, but this and everything else. And good luck with the show. I can't wait to have you on after, you know, before and after the Emmys. And we will, yeah, we'll talk. And this is, yeah, a fascinating conversation. Thanks again for coming on.
Unknown Speaker [70:06]: Yeah, no, thank you so much. It's been such a joy to, like, talk about something that is, you know, the best things are when you appreciate things in life. I mean, that's for me. That's what I value. I value the journey, right? Because when the show gets greenlit, right, all of this stuff that's happening, all the conversations, all the worry, concern, thought, doubt, you know, what should I do? How should I do it? People don't believe in me. What if, what if they, they think I'm something and I'm right. All of that. That's the journey. That's, that's the fodder for like what's to come next. Right. And it's gone. You're not living in that anymore. And it's creative. You got to have something else to anchor yourself to. So I'm almost kind of scared of the time when it's like, okay, on to the next, you know? Then you've got to gear up again. But I'm not because I know that I have a profound message to deliver. There's profound relief for people like me. Like I said before, children are the trailblazers and there's the most, I didn't say this, but they are the most intuitive spirits out there and they are leading the way. And if we would just be able to regulate ourselves and listen more, keep our mouth shut more, we would know exactly what to do in this world. We would know how to connect organically. We would know how to build intimacy. We would know how to heal organically. Children are living and breathing the zeitgeist, right? They are the current in the world more than us. And so we need to defer to them. They're masters.
Adeel [72:22]: Amazing. Thanks again, Megan. Looking forward to following the journey of Triggered. Can't wait for it to be produced and viewed by the masses. If you liked this episode, don't forget to leave a quick review or just hit the five stars wherever you listen to this podcast. You can hit me up by email at helloatmissiphoneypodcast.com or go to the website, missiphoneypodcast.com. It's even easier just to send a message on Instagram at Missiphoney Podcast. Follow there. Facebook, it's also Missiphoney Podcast. And on X, it's Missiphoney Show. Support the show by visiting the Patreon at patreon.com. The music, as always, is by Moby. And until next week, wishing you peace and quiet.
Unknown Speaker [73:30]: Thank you.